Exclusive Invention: Sweep (a way to sleep & clean up!)

Straw sweep
Sweep tight.

A sleeping human is a useless one. When you’re snoring away, you are not contributing to society. That is a disgrace for which you should be shamed.

However, the good news is we’ve invented sweep. This is a form of sleep where the sleeper’s slumbering “corpse” (if you will) is used as a cleaning implement. Exploitative? Never! Intrigued? Of course you are!

Sweep It Up!

You, the consumer, purchase a large pole from our online shop for £100. That’s the “sweeper”. It comes with four large suction pads that you attach to a sleeping person.

Then, as the individual slumbers, you use their body to brush across the floor, thusly rendering dust and grit an irrelevance!

It’s a simple as that, really, but there are a few stipulations to remember:

  • You must live with at least one other person to complete the sweeping process.
  • The other person must sign a legal waiver before you can use their body as a sweeping implement.
  • If one or more individuals in your home suffers from insomnia, then it renders the product redundant.
  • The product is not for use with comatose patients – that would be immoral.

Right, so as above you’ll need the intended sweeping individual to sign a document allowing you to do so. Below is the template you’ll have to print off.

Sweep Legal Waiver

It has come to my attention that I, [Name - i.e. Bob], am to offer my slumbering corpse (if you will) for health and hygiene pusposes around the property of the owner's choosing. 

I am perfecly fine with having my body parts brushed across dirty surfaces and have no issues with waking up with arbitrary pieces of filth all over my person. 

I hereby state that I do not suffer from insomnia and that, if I ever do, I will inform the product owner immediately. Failure to do so could result in a 10 year prison sentence. 

The product owner then has full rights to cure my potential insomnia in any way they see fit, such as with the use of mandrax, various other sleeping tablets, or applying me with alcohol until I pass out. 

Yours sincerely, [Name - i.e. Jeff]


Of course, if you have a vacuum cleaner or hoover you may be wondering, “I don’t need sweep.” Well, then you’d be wrong. You fool.

The reality of the sweep is it cuts down on noise pollution, as well as cutting back on your electricity usage.

Admittedly, you do have to wait until around circa 11pm until a person of choose is sleeping before you can clean your home, but then life is all about compromises.

On a final note, if you live alone then you’re still free to buy sweep – but you’ll, of course, not be able to use it. But you’ll be able to drift off to sleep happy in the knowledge you’re funding out sweet startup!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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