Marriage is the key indicator of success in life. If you’re not married, you’re a pathetic wastrel who is clearly a sociopathic loser.
As such, there’s fierce competition amongst folks to hit the aisle as soon as possible to whatever object suffices.
It’s arguable women feel such peer pressure the most. Like today’s human female, who is upset her best friend (“bestie”) is going to be hitched before her. How should she manage those conflicting emotions?
She’s Getting Married in the Morning
Heya I'm Susan and I've got a problem. My bestie, Bestie (yeah, that's her real name), is getting married before me. AND I'M WELL JEALOUS! IT'S EATING AWAY AT ME INSIDE! I'm happpy for her, sort of, and the guy she's marrying is a total munter lol. Scraping the barrel, you know? That really helps my sense of superiority here because I know I'm better looking than she is. But anyway, she's still bagged this bloke and she's maxed out three credit cards to £60,000 for her "dream wedding". And I'm WELL JELL!! She's asked me to be maid of honour and she seems to be really smug about things, especially with me because I can't take the expression of unmitigated fury off my face. So she knows I'm jell. Even though I'm never gonna admit it! I'm all, "Oh, babes, I'm so happy for you!" When I'm really thinking, "You fat slag, how did you manage this before me!? Who did you blackmail? Did you make a deal with the devil?! Don't you have standards, woman!?" Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? Kisses, Susan
Hi, Susan! It can be difficult for women to see the other women they know become married before them. But the important thing is that you support Bestie through her special moment.
Alternatively, you can totally screw her over and ensure you steal an advantage. And there are several ways in which you can do that.
The State of Affairs
There are many ways you can end the wedding, even though it’s all planned out.
You could start an illicit affair with Bestie’s groom (not to be mistaken with “broom” – copulating with a cleaning implement will do you no favours).
Alternatively, you could start an illicit affair with Bestie, thusly ensuring she falls for you – then you can dump her and marry some bloke.
Or you can start an illicit affair with the vicar set to marry the couple, so you can sway him with information such as, “They’re heathens, don’t marry them.”
If none of the above work, as a last ditch effort you could start an illicit affair with Bestie’s father. You could ensure he cancels the wedding entirely and force her to open a baking shop! Jesus, we’ve watched too much Game of Scones…
With careful planning, you can also destroy your friend’s hopes and dreams on the big day. All it takes is a well-timed bazooka shot, after all. Here are a few ideas:
- Wait for the vicar to state, “Do you, Bestie, take…” And then let rip with the aforementioned well-timed bazooka shot into the church roof. As bedlam ensues, laugh maniacally at a job well done.
- Get increasingly drunk as the wedding ceremony progresses, all the while spreading salacious lies about Bestie’s moral conduct. Tips: “She’s a Nazi, you know!”, “I once saw her punch a man dead!”, or “She’s got athlete’s foot.”
- Insist you must carry a bucket of manure into the church with you. State it is, “My lucky marriage ritual.” Accidentally tip it onto the floor at some point. The stench will force everyone out of the building.
- Pretend to be possessed by the devil upon entering the church (watch The Exorcist the night before to get tips). The general idea is to lie on the floor and thrash about whilst screaming. Job done. Everyone will flee.
From our experience, the bazooka option is the best. Although you may stand out whilst wandering around at a wedding with that weapon grasped in your arms, simply set a steely gaze on anyone who challenges you. Growl for added effect.
As a last resort, you can always shoot down the bridal bouquet of flowers as it soars through the air. That will ensure no other human female at the wedding will ever enjoy marital bliss (i.e. watching your husband grow fat and bald).