Agony Aunt: “HELP! Should I still do chivalry towards hot birds?”

A man in a suit displaying chivalry
What a gent!

Gender roles within society are more open than ever before (except during pre-history when there were just amoebas and stuff). For instance, if a man wants to be a female tennis player he now can enter Wimbledon following a sex change.

Similarly, women can become things such as obnoxious business owners who rant about wealth and profit margins.

Such diversity has made dating more confusing than ever, particularly for human males with a penchant for casual misogyny.

The Gentleman

Yo. So I'm a bit of a womaniser and end most relationships with women along the lines of them calling me a, "Totally vile pig!" Screaming it at me, usually. lol

But there comes a time in any man's life when he realises he's a total wanker and he has to up his game. I'm at that point. So with the feminism so popular I've been trying to be more appealing to hot birds.

So I got one of them t-shirts what says, "This is what a feminist looks like" Then I paraded around London in that at the weekends eyeing up the hotties. Unfortunately I got beer and curry on the shirt soon after and that put some of them off.

This one woman, I winks at her and goes, "Oi oi, how's it goin' darlin'?" She looked at the stains and walked off. As she did I went, "Come off it, love, it's just a bit of curry it's not like it's vomit. Bloody snowflake feminists!" And she gave me the middle finger. I mean... the problem with gender equality is women demand I rise above the level of a total dickhead. And what's the point of that?

So what I'm wondering is how do I get, like, nice? Ta, Dom

Hi, Dom. Pertinent, if deeply creepy, stuff! We should imagine most human females wish men were less obnoxious in their advances, which does require a feministic leaning. Unfortunately, it’s quite easy to see through your curry-stained ruse.

But how can you display your egalitarian side? Throw your bomber jacket over a puddle so the human female’s feet remain unblemished by toxic rainwater?

Well, there’s a big debate about whether chivalry is, or is not, sexist. Some critics suggest it’s manipulative. Others think it’s the human male putting the human female above himself.

Think of a walrus stampeding across a beach towards its potential mate, flattening all before it on an animalistic rampage to impress.

The female walrus, if a feminist marine mammal schooled in the teachings of Virginia Walrus, would think, “Whoa! What a showboating lard arse. As if I’m going to be impressed with such a tedious display of macho bravado! I’m, like, so not impressed by this marauding 908kg zero.”

The human female, if a feminist, may also think the same if you, for example, hold the door open for her in what you believe to be a gentlemanly gesture.

It’s really down to you relying on genuine kindness, rather than being fuelled by the desire to get your end away.

So, for your edification we’ve created a list of chivalrous ideas for you to try out with wild abandon.

How to do Chivalry

The below list can be completed in any order, don’t feel the need to place one above the rest.

What matters here, Dom, is you remember your commitment to the cause. You’re doing this to be a nicer person. Not so you can boast to your mates about your dating accomplishments. The very best of luck to you!

  • Partially holding open a door: Instead of fully opening a door for the human female, partially open it so she has to do some of the work.
  • Dropping compliments with insults: Experiment with traditional comments such as, “You look nice today!” For example you can try out, “You look quite nice today, but really bloody disgusting from a certain angle. You total bastard.”
  • Giving your socks to a woman if she’s cold: The lady a bit chilly? Forget your jacket, give her your socks instead – replete with man feet stench.
  • Eyeing up other men instead of ogling women: If you have to stare at other people, make it fun for the human female and comment on the guys you see around you. For example, “Crikey, that guy has a banging set of hairy legs on him, doesn’t he?” etc.
  • Buy thoughtful gifts: Don’t wait until it’s her birthday to buy presents, make it a regular thing. Such as: flowers, gin, potatoes, cement mixers, cheese, marmite etc.
  • Get to know her parents: As soon as you start dating someone, insist you meet her parents. Spend the weekend – don’t ask for permission. Camp in their garden if needs be. But just prove to them you’re a bit of a manic-obsessive who’ll be difficult to get rid of.

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