Arnold Schwarzenegger Weddings: Get Hitched As Big Arnie Quips!

A bride and groom getting married
“Consider that a divorce!”

Our latest idea is for weddings overseen by mucsclebound big man Arnold Schwarzenegger. The idea is a couple gets hitched as Big Arnie quips one liners from his most famous films. Intrigued? You should be!

Big Arnie Weddings

The idea is for the Austrian to preside over your “special day” dressed as one of his movie characters (usually The Terminator).

At key parts of your wedding, he’ll drop one-liners to make your guests coo in mindless appreciation. Here’s an example:

  • The vicar turns to the groom and announces, “You may now kiss the bride.”
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger quips, “Fuck you, asshole.”

The acting legend will then follow you around for the rest of the day making similar glib remarks and whatnot.

Wedding Day Schedule

Structurally, the wedding will be the same as most “normal” ones it’s just you’ll have this bloke with a strong Austrian accent ever-present.

But you can use the wedding day and reception Timeline below as an example of how the event will unfold.

  • 2pm – photographer arrives: Arnold Schwarzenegger quips, “Stick around.”
  • 2:30pm – bridal and bridesmaids portraits: “But I’m all woman!”
  • 3:00pm – bridge and groom portraits: “It’s not a tumor!”
  • 4:30pm – wedding party and guest photos: “I’m the famous party pooper.”
  • 5:30pm – start time for the ceremony: “SHHHUUTTT UUUPPPP!!!”
  • 6:00pm – ceremony begins: “Do it! Do it, now!”
  • 6:20pm – exchange of wedding vows: “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
  • 6:30pm – kissing the bride: As previously indicated.
  • 6:40pm – cocktails: “See you at the party, Richter!”
  • 7:00pm – sunset photos: “Oh, shit!”
  • 7:30pm – throwing the bouquet of flowers: “Hasta la vista, baby”
  • 7:35pm – Arnold Schwarzenegger takes a toilet break: “I’ll be back.”
  • 7:45pm – the party begins: “Come with me if you want to live.”

The Post-Wedding Party

At this point Schwarzenegger might begin drinking heavily, so you may begin to lose control of his contractual obligations. He will also make many Arnold noises at this point.

With an open dance floor, he will act as a bodyguard ready to pounce on any wedding guests who start a fight or fall over on the dance floor.

Do note, Schwarzenegger will also be able to perform security duties during the rest of wedding.

For instance, if during the ceremony anyone interjects and suggests the wedding shouldn’t take place, he’ll grab the individual by the scruff of the neck and send them flying across the other side of the church/registry office/beach etc.

The offending guest will then explode in a massive fireball, as per the demands of 1980s action movies.

At around 11pm, whilst slightly tipsy, your Arnold Schwarzenegger is done for the day. He’ll expect payment for his duties of $1 million.

If you don’t provide this money immediately, you’ll be terminated on the spot.

That can put a dampener on otherwise joyous wedding day celebrations, so we recommend you cough up the cash to avoid being blasted to smithereens.


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