Job Spec: Janitor for Santa Claus (North Pole)

A janitor mopping the floor
Santa’s words: “It’ll be like this, but with more blood everywhere. And you might not get a mop.”

Santa Claus has asked us to advertise for the role of janitor at Santa’s factory in the North Pole.

Following the death by drowning/hypothermia of the previous employee, Santa has requested we place this ad as part of our “special relationship” (i.e he’s written columns for us since 2012 and thinks we owe him a favour).


Santa Claus is looking for a new janitor as part of “catastrophic” business growth patterns throughout Q1, Q2, and Q3. Official verdict on Q4: “Disastrous”. Nice!

If you have a can-do attitude and don’t vomit upon sight of a bucket of puke, you may be the right candidate for Santa.

Candidate Requirements

You will be confident, not stupid enough to get yourself killed, and skilled with a mop, bucket, and manhandling (where necessary) “stuff”. Regular duties will include:

  • Picking bits of vomit out of Santa’s big bushy beard.
  • Fleeing for your life during one of Santa’s manic episodes.
  • Mopping up pools of blood.
  • Knowing when to keep your mouth shut.
  • Thawing out frozen limbs.
  • Feeding the reindeer.
  • Facilitating Rudolph’s drug dependency through any means necessary.
  • Performing open-heart surgery as and when required.
  • Brain surgery.
  • Head transplants.
  • Unclogging Santa’s toilet.
  • Disseminating Santa-based propaganda to the press.
  • Beating up any outraged customers who make it all the way out to the factory (happens more often than you’d expect).
  • Tackling the ongoing radioactive fallout of our 2015 nuclear meltdown.
  • Ignoring any elves sporting more limbs then they require.
  • Delivering tea to Mrs. Santa Claus.
  • Relocating last year’s 50ft by 50ft cesspit elsewhere outside the factory.

Pertaining to unlikely company growth, the latter point is essential. The factory only has one working toilet and it’s for Santa’s sole use.

As such, you’ll spend much of your time digging a ditch in subzero temperatures in order to accommodate for embarrassing bodily functions.

Company Perks

Here are the many benefits you’ll enjoy working within this world famous establishment.

  • Free cake (if the chef is still alive to bake it).
  • Free toilet (if you don’t mind squatting over a ditch in the North Pole).
  • Meet Santa Claus.
  • Meet Mrs. Santa Claus.
  • Meet Rudolph.
  • Meet extreme PTSD (your friendly new life experience)

How to Apply

We’re not like most businesses as most employees die horribly before career advancement.

But if you think you have what it takes, send us your CV/resume to us today via carrier pigeon. No other format will make it to us at present, in part due to the aforementioned radioactive fallout.

If you don’t have a carrier pigeon, please feel free to fly a drone application in. Although, be warned, the radiation will fry its electronics before it gets within a 10 mile radius.

So, actually, don’t send a pigeon in as we don’t want them getting injured.

If you know any wastrel humans or aliens, then you can use them to transport your job application over to us.

OR you can try and telepathically communicate with Santa Claus.

Whatever, figure it out. Christmas 2019 hangs in the balance. If you don’t do your duty then little Johnny the spoiled brat won’t get the bazooka he asked for.


  1. I am keen on your position of Janitor. As a cardiac nurse I feel fit most of the requirements. At issue is “meeting Mrs. Claus”…it is my policy to not work or become acquainted with my boss’ spouse. I hope we can negotiate that. I am skilled in cleaning up body fluids, handling mops, slicing and cutting ( I just threw that in cause that would be a perk). Think about it and let me know…is there a salary or just room and board and outside loo?

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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