Agony Aunt: “My boss has called me to a disciplinary meeting!”

Disciplinary hearing
Objection your hors d’oeuvre!

Most people work for a living. Except dead people. But otherwise, most of us have to work to earn money to pay for things such as facelifts.

However, sometimes at work you can “do a naughty” and upset your boss. The consequences can be serious, depending on what you did. Such as with today’s poor, stupid, gormless fool.

The Disciplinary Hearing

Hello. I’m in a spot of bother with the business where I work. It’s an office environment, we sell stuff to other people and my job is to make sure I keep track of what stuff is sold to other stuff.

I’ve been a bit bored recently so I started coming into work drunk, as well as experimenting with class A narcotics. Admittedly, this led to a noticeable drop off in productivity on my part.

I also overdid it recently and stripped naked and began dancing on my desk. I then went on a drunken rampage, smashing up tables with my fists, before throwing up over the apprentice’s head.

Of course, I’m denying all charges. Except everyone in the office saw me do it. So I’ve blackmailed all of them and threatened to blow up their homes. This has landed me in further bother and now I’m facing jail time.

However, first I have to go to a disciplinary meeting. Suggestions? I’ve decided to represent myself, no matter what happens, and plan to go in drunk as a skunk and threaten them all with a cricket bat. All advice is greatly appreciated. Dave

Hi, Dave. Professional Moron regularly faces employment tribunals and other tedious employment law-related tedium. The tediousness is the worst part of it.

Unless you get caught, at which point there’s a massive fine or a spell in jail to look forward to. Which is a bit crap, we must say.

Anyway, we don’t recommend threatening to blow up your colleagues’, respective, homes. That was a poor decision on your part and was only likely ever going to either terrify or outrage your professional peers.

Blowing up peoples’ properties is only a last resort. Such as if WWIII breaks out. Or, like with us, you’re convinced the office apprentice is stealing work pens and you want to teach them a lesson.

Regardless, judging from your descriptions you’ll have to attend a disciplinary hearing. This is what you can expect from the process.

Let’s Get Disciplined, Disciplined

The good news is a support person may join you in the meeting, so we recommend you pay a drug-addicted, recently paroled convict lunatic to join you.

That’ll add an air of mania to proceedings. If everything really hits the fan and the hearing ends in a mass brawl of physical acrimony, having a mass murderer readily available is very useful.

Of course, you want to avoid the mass brawl outcome. If the situation devolves into you punching your line manager in the face, you can expect charges of gross misconduct and immediate dismissal.

We recommend you take alcohol into the meeting to offer to everyone. Homebrew, absinthe, moonshine—whatever it is, it’ll relax everyone and help the tedious nature of the hearing to pass by with much giddiness.

The meeting should end on a high note, with ABBA hits blasting from someone’s tinny smartphone as you all dance in a state of undress to the beat of the drum.

Your superiors will, when recovered from the following day’s hangover, realise you’re not a bad egg at all.

Rather, you’re just injecting some much-needed enjoyment into working life. You’ll then be absconded of all charges.

Do note, this is mere hypothesising on our part. The meeting may, or may not, go as explained above. Indeed, the above actions may involve in further sanctions and/or exile from the country.

So, choose your path carefully, Dave, and if it all goes wrong don’t blame us. This is impartial advice and we waive any legal consequences of following it.

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