With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Professional Moron is here to provide couples with romance. Because to do romance, you may need a portable recoilless anti-tank rocket launcher weapon.
Thusly, we have the romance bazooka. This thing guarantees to make your Valentine’s Day an explosive experience!
Boom, Boom, Boom, Let Me Hear You Say “I love you, darling!”
Valentine’s Day comes but once a year. So, for the rest of the time, geezers don’t have to worry about treating their significant other in any special way.
He must lounge about on his sofa in his underpants shouting obscenities at the television, all whilst his doting human female bakes cookies and brings him beer.
But on 14th February, the geezer has to make an effort to justify that symbiotic relationship of love. It’s international law.
As such, the romance bazooka is primed for the human male to wake up his darling woman with a shower of shrapnel, debris, flames, and rose petals.
The idea is that when it “goes off”, the petals flutter about beautifully in amongst the hellish inferno and shockwave. Beautiful, non?
All the human male has to do is buy the product (£1,000/$2,000) and wait until 14th February.
Then at 8am, he gets the romance bazooka, heads outside, aims it at the bedroom window, and lets that mother rip.
The bazooka shell will shatter through the bedroom window and explode, showering his sleeping partner with love (and third-degree burns).
As the building goes up in flames and the distant wail of fire sirens kick in, the man can rest safely in the knowledge he’s earned his right to have a doting partner to slake his every whim.
He can then return to the sofa to scratch himself and watch sports, happy in the knowledge he’s the perfect gentleman.
The Romance Flamethrower
For any discerning gentleman wishing to go the extra step (for example, if he wishes to propose this Valentine’s Day), then we can heartily recommend this additional product.
After the romance bazooka moment, his lady friend will stagger out of the property ready to greet him with a big hug (do note, it may appear like she wishes to tear him limb from limb—don’t worry, she’s roaring obscenities and invective as she loves him so).
As she approaches at speed, he should turn on the romance flamethrower and march towards her stoically, blasting forth mighty reams of solid flame.
As he does so, he should bellow at the top of his lungs, “Will you marry me, darling?!”
Things will be getting pretty loud by that point. Police and fire sirens, possible news helicopters overhead, confused neighbours threatening legal action, the cacophony of noise emitting from the romance flamethrower etc.
As such, the impending wife may have trouble hearing the words of intent. So, he should repeatedly shout the likes of, “Please be my darling wife, snookums!”
If all goes well, she’ll be impressed by the manliness and agree on the spot—all with minimum immolation.
Congratulations! The married couple can now look forward to a romantic wedding. For which we highly recommend our upcoming concept: Fireball Weddings.
Inspired by Evel Knievel, it’ll involve wedding vows as the lovers catapult over many rows of burning vehicles. Watch this space!