Films That Never Were: The Thong (skimpy remake of ’82’s The Thing)

A greased up, tanned, male bodybuilder wearing a thong
It’s The Thong. Quake in terror!

John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) is one of our favourite films of all time. And the 2011 prequel (also called The Thing… confusingly) was pretty decent as well. Honest, sir or madam.

But our idea for a remake is pretty indecent. The Thong is an almost scene-by-scene remake of the 1982 psychological chiller masterpiece.

It’s just all the characters are wearing thongs—in Antarctica. Method acting overload! They don’t make films like that no more.

The Thong

Okay, so in the original we had Kurt Russell in the lead role of R.J. MacReady. This time out, that goes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Primarily as he’s used to gyrating about in a tiny thong from his bodybuilding days. Don’t let old habits die, eh?

He’s joined by an assortment of other hapless individuals unaware of the psychological horror ahead of them. For the roles of the original cast, we have:

  • Dr. Blair: Sylvester Stallone.
  • Nauls: Carl Weathers.
  • Windows: Jai Courtney.
  • Childs: Bill Duke.
  • George Bennings: Danny DeVito.
  • Garry: Bob Geldof.

So as you can see, it’s an all-male cast. Plenty of opportunities to flash a varying range of coloured thongs out in the icy wilderness.

In the original, the scientists discover a bizarre, hideous alien beast. And that turns out to have assimilating abilities.

Everything hits the fan pronto, as no one knows who The Thing is!

But The Thong is basically Magic Mike with a shape-shifting monster and disturbing body horror. Nice, eh? We really should work in show business with ideas like this.

Anyway, the minor differences are largely down to the protagonists’ choice of attire. Let’s oil up and have a gander.

Famous Scenes

If you’ve ever cowered behind a cushion whilst watching The Thing before, below are the most famous scenes. With a few subtle thong-based differences.

  • The film opens with much confusion about a dog’s (really the Thing) arrival at the scientific research base. The cast struts about in thongs shaking uncontrollably due to the freezing cold temperatures.
  • The Thing assimilates Bennings and is mid-shape-shifting. Someone says, “It isn’t Bennings!” Schwarzenegger quips, “How can you tell? His junk looks as small as ever!” The others have a good chortle at that one as hyperthermia sets in.
  • With a man down, Dr. Copper (Jason Statham) is attempting to resuscitate Norris (Bruce Willis), but Norris reveals himself as the Thing when its thong bursts into life and rips Dr. Copper’s thong off. The soundtrack then changes to Tom Jones’ Leave Your Hat On.
  • Schwarzenegger begins a series of thong related one-liners to lighten the mood. Including: “I’ll be back… in a thong!”, “Get to the chopper! But don’t forget your thong!”, “Come with me if you want a new thong”, and “If it bleeds, we can use a thong as a tourniquet.”
  • To work out who of the survivors is the Thing, the group rounds up their thongs and Schwarzenegger sets fire to the lot. After nothing happens, they got some spare thongs and put those on to fend off the relentless sub-zero temperatures.
  • In the closing scene, Schwarzenegger and Childs sit in the rubble of the scientific base and deliberate over whether either of them is still wearing a thong. Out of macho pride, they agree to let the fire go out before standing up—protecting each other’s modesty. Even if it means freezing to death.

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