Valentine’s Day is coming up—and we’re not going to stop doing misguided romance pieces until it’s been and gone.
Today, we’re imagining a world of films where a husband and wife make the experience a tad more sedate for the audience.
Hubby & Wifey Park
A billionaire sets up a park full of husbands and wives walking around in the wild. Paying customers attend the park to see them frolicking across fields, enjoying picnics, and arguing. The park is a disastrous failure.
Hubby & Wifey: A Space Odyssey
Kubrick film about a husband and wife in deep space bickering. Hal the computer attempts to intervene, but gets turned off.
The Good, The Bad and the Hubby & Wifey
Clint Eastwood stars in this cowboy film about how the wild, wild west also had plenty of normal couples who enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet.
Hubby & Wifey Club
A film about marriage in crisis, where bored couples meet in pleasant middle-class living rooms to beat the living crap out of each other. Stars Brad Pitt and Damon Hill.
Raging Hubby & Wifey
Robert De Niro stars in this Martin Scorsese epic. It’s about a particularly angry married couple who take to the boxing ring to batter their frustrations out of each other.
The Sound of Hubby & Wifey
Drama about a man living next door to a very loud husband and wife, leading to tensions and, inevitability, a nuclear explosion.
12 Angry Hubby & Wifeys
A dozen husband and wife combos meet up periodically to fume at each other (about each other). Contains “But he’s just so annoying!” 350 times.
Close Encounters of the Hubby & Wifey Kind
Richard Dreyfuss stars as an alien in this sci-fi classic, where he encounters many married people on his arrival on Earth. In a panic, he flees back to Jupiter. Good! Get back where you came from!
The Hubby & Wifey on the River Kwai
Married life is blissful on the River Kwai. Until it blows up thanks to Alec Guiness (the river, not the marriage – they lived happily every after, although with severe PTSD after seeing a river blown to smithereens).
All Quiet on the Hubby & Wifey Front
After a blazing row, this film spends 90 minutes in a house as a couple quietly fumes in separate rooms. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as the husband and wife.
Dawn of the Planet of the Hubby & Wifeys
An entire planet is inhabited by married folks who have pet names for each other. NASA has pledged never to stray within a million miles of the place.
A Fistful of Hubby & Wifeys
Crouching Tiger, Hubby & Wifey