Exclusive Recipe: The Lovely Shmoopie Love Cake

The love cake with a flower
A cake for my cutie patootie.

Our relentless, remorseless pursuit of romance continues today. This is a recipe you can try out for Valentine’s Day, or whenever you need to impress a dame or a geezer.

The lovely, shmoopie, poopsie, snuggluffagus, thunder chunk, cowpie, tuba wubba love cake. It’s so lovely… why, it makes us nauseous just thinking about it.

The Love Cake

"Hey, you! Pumpkin. Babe, here's a cake for you, babe face. You fancy a tasty cake for this Valentine's, treacle? Honeybun? Baby doll? Snookums? Well!? Answer me!!" - Your husband.

If the answer is, “No. And stop speaking to me like I’m a halfwit, you ingrate, and act like an adult, or I’ll punch you in the face!!”

Well, then you’re really not getting into the spirit of the romance. You can rectify that by accepting the request from your human male husband to bake you a lovely jubbly lovely cake. It’s packed full of love and the romance!

There are all sorts of romantic things in this SOB. Along with the standard ingredients of masses of sugar, icing, and flour, there are also stuff such as:

  • A love poem stashed inside—geezers, make it two or three pages long and bake it into the cake as you go along. As your human female indulges in the cake, she will chomp onto the poem, gasp in delight, and then recite your words of the romance, “Dearest snuggums, I am the beaming light within thine other bleak and pointless existence. Leave me and I’ll tell your mother about that time you stole $50 from her purse in 1984 xoxox”
  • A cassette with your favourite long songs and Megadeath albums recorded onto it.
  • A CD burned with your howls of romance and renditions of love songs such as Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. The husband should also dress up as Kylie Minogue in hot pants and prance about like an attention-seeking bimbo.
  • A nude picture of the human male to incite the romance.
  • DVD copies of romantic films like Titanic, Homeward Bound, The Last of the Mohicans, and The Human Centipede.
  • A printed copy of our guide on How to Do Valentine’s Day.
  • 12 pages of legal disclaimer waiving any negative impacts from the items within the lovely love cake (such as ink poisoning).

The human male should bake the cake as one normally bakes a cake (in the oven), but insert the additional ingredients during the preparation process.

Feel free to ad-lib with the ingredients as you go along. Many men consider it a romantic gesture to add toenail clippings into the mix.

Others may sneeze over the cake and consider this a loving inclusion to the whole ordeal.

Indulgence

Suitably inspired by the human male’s gestures, the human female will:

  • Indulge in the cake.
  • Read the poem.
  • Swoon over the guttural roars the bloke bellows through the CD.
  • Almost chokes to death on the legal disclaimer.

After successfully administering the Heimlich manoeuvre, the human male can then suggest a cuddle and a viewing of Titanic.

During the screening, he can overindulge on lager, belch continuously in annoyance whenever Leo DiCaprio says anything, and then pass out dribbling before the ship even sinks.

The human female can then mop up his sick and chastise the man bloke the following day for wetting himself. “You’re 42 years old, Gerald! When will this madness end!?” etc.

Congratulations, another joyous Valentine’s Day has been successfully completed.

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