Our invention caps are back on, of late. And our latest, and greatest, one is this merger of the whisk and the whistle.
Perhaps it was Tin Can Cook that set this off for us. Whatever, we’re now totally obsessed with tin stuff!
Both are particularly effective alone. Whisks whisk stuff. Whistle emit high-pitched noises. And they can complement each other most perfectly!
Do you remember that old song? “Whistle while you work”? Hitler is a jerk etc.
Snow White was big on it, as were the dwarves she hung out with. And they did the whole whistling thing whilst bumbling about like halfwits.
Imagine if they’d (the dwarves) had the capacity to whistle and whisk simultaneously! Imagine the amount of time they’d have saved! Imagine all the people, consuming the likes of whisked-based food products!
As such, we’ve invented this product to dump it on the workers of the world. You know the ones—that lot too stupid and lazy to run their own business!
Give them all a whiskle and they’ll, as they do whatever stupid things they do (teaching, writing, nursing, policing, firefighting etc.), whistle and whisk up a storm.
The product is as simple as our brains. It’s an elongated whisk with a whistle at the end, allowing an individual to whisk and easily reach the whistle with their mouth, nostrils, or ears.
And, yes, the whistle also allows a user to pick their nose and/or alleviate a scratch.
So it’s a product with four qualities in one! Now that’s value for money!
Crucially, the whistle element acts as a safety device. One of the most common causes of fatality in a kitchen is due to whisking incidents.
Famously, one Parisian chef in 1975 whisked himself to death in a 12 hour long whisking frenzy.
A year later, a bachelor in Bolton of Greater Manchester (attempting to use a whisk for the first time) garrotted himself.
The UN called for an international committee to debate the dangers of freeform whisking.
Out of this noble action came the The Whisking Safety Act 1976—it has established the laws regarding whisking. This includes:
- Not whisking in dark (or darkened) rooms.
- No whisking whilst under the influence of alcohol or drugs (“No whisky when you whisk!” went the marketing slogan).
- Whisking speeds must not exceed that of 20mph.
- Whiskers must wear a hardhat at all times.
- If possible, employers should supply whisking employees with a full hazmat suit.
The whiskle doubles up on the safety measures. For example, if a truck driver is tearing down the M1 at 60mph and attempting to create the elementary base for a soufflé, by whiskling and whistling the device will emit sharp bleats.
This may alert nearby drivers of his multi-tasking, consequently almost certainly ensuring the likes of a motorway pile-up will never occur.
1,001 truck drivers throughout January 2020 tested our product. We’re legally obliged to inform you accident rates soared by 44%. However, our defence is this: it was a bit icy—due to winter.
However, we’re legally also obliged to include the below statement from Kev the truck driver:
“I were driving down the M1 trying to whiskle up an omelette when I lost control of me truck, careered across the road, and flew off the road and onto a field. Me truck then were catapulted into a barrel roll. And I got a lot of whisked eggs all over me. And me shipment of marshmallows were incinerated in the ensuing fire. I have now lost me job and I’m homeless. This is entirely the fault of me being distracted by the whiskle. God only knows what could happen if this thing went mainstream! I are think it should be banned and the creators prosecuted.”
Professional Moron wishes to deny the whiskle has any capacity to cause harm. It is designed specifically with The Whisking Safety Act 1976 in mind.
Our advice to owners of the whiskle is to whistle as loud as possible to ensure death is avoided.
Dear Sir. I work for Acme Hydrogen-Filled Zeppelin-Delivered Neutronic Power Plants. Is the Whiskle safe for us to use while building our delicate machinery. We have a great safety record! A bit. (OK, there WAS that annoying uranium hexafluoride spill last week, and something else happened the week before that we haven’t admitted to because it hasn’t drifted out of the stratosphere yet, but we’ve said sorry in advance for the southern hemisphere.) And we like our souffles, so we think the whiskle is for us! Can you help?
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Hang on a second! You claim to be from a “hydrogen-filled” Led Zeppelin, but where is Jimmy Page? Where’s John Bonham? And the other two? Nope, not convinced. I can’t help with anything until you get a zeppelin of your own.
Um…. would you accept half a Zeppelin and [looking around] a slug. I got a slug. Name is – er – Herman. Herman the Slug. Works as a Zeppelin stand-in, at least on weekends.
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I need (at least) a 30 minute drum solo before I accept your, otherwise, perfectly sound logic. If a slug is able to do that, then fabulous! Otherwise I demand human effort at $1 an hour.
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