Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband is a self-isolating ignoramus!”

Isolated room with a light on in a grid
Isolation.

Okay, so many of us are now forced to spend more time around loved ones than previously. And it turns out everyone is probably a bit more annoying than you realised.

Well, today we’re here to help you deal with your significant other. Specifically, just how bloody irritating the human male can be.

Ugly Isolation

Hiya. Yeah, so me and my husband are isolating to avoid that virus thing that's spread about. We're in a three room flat in London. It's been two weeks. I'm about ready to smash his bloody head through a wall!

Here's a list of stuff he's done that's annoyed me so far:

- Clogged the toilet half a dozen times and blamed it on me, thinking he can get away with it. 
- Unclogged the toilet using the vacuum cleaner, which broke the cleaning implement. 
- Insisted we switch to an instant noodle diet. I've not tasted anything except instant noodles in weeks!
- In a fit of paranoia, he's boarded up our windows with clingfilm and tinfoil, insisting it'll keep the virus out. 
- To "keep our spirits up", he's taken up yodeling and is practicing it several hours a day. 
- He's also trying out rapping and has invented a new genre of music he's dubbed as "yodel rapping". It's where he'll yodel as normal, with interspersed, "Uh huh, yeah, mofo!" type rapping. 
- The neighbours are complaining vociferously about his musical pursuits, which I'm attempting to calm. But my husband is insistent culture is how we'll defeat the virus. He's written a yodel rapping song and expects it to be a No. 1 hit single. The lyrics are as follows, along with his musical act name: 

Crappyorona by Yodelz Dude
"Uh huh, yeah, mofo. [Yodeling]. Yeah, mofo. [Yodeling]. I'm a gangsta rapper, and only sometimes need the crapper, but because I like my chips, I often get da shits. [Yodeling and sporadic profanity]. We can beat da crappy virus by listenin' to Miley Cyrus, and I know dat she is hot, but den so is my dribbly snot! Uh huh, yeah, mofo. [Yodelling]."

I didn't realise he had a thing for Miley Cyrus, I'm quite offended by this. Why would he hand me the lyrics to that and think I wouldn't have a problem? I complained and he said, "Babe, WTF is your problem? It's self expression. I is a yodeling rapper and I've got babes hanging off me, you should count yourself lucky you get to be married to me."

Of course, he's annoyed because I'm "nagging" him... I am NOT nagging him at all. I am pointing out his goddamn stupidity!

It's become obvious to me that my husband is officially a bellend. What should I do about this? Regards, Maureen

Hi, Maureen! We have to agree with you there. Your husband clearly is a bellend.

And in such an instances, it’s best to invest in some serious quality earplugs. Whatever cancels out the noise.

Unfortunately, this means you’ll have to take extra steps to stay safe. Wash your hands regularly and continue to remain indoors.

However, if possible you should threaten to pummel your husband mercilessly should he continue with his musical endeavours.

For the sake of your neighbours, and your sanity, take the step ASAP. And whilst you’re at it, break your instant noodle diet. That’s possibly what’s fuelling his irrational behaviour.

That and how he’s obviously an utter halfwit. Best of luck, Maureen!

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