Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband keeps having drunken fights!”

A cartoon pint of beer
You starting?

It’s common for your married man to head to “the boozer” with a “mate or two” to indulge in “a few bevvies”. It’s natural manly behaviour.

But what happens when the man bloke gets drunk and belligerent? Well, there can be argy-bargy. Fisticuffs. And the occasional punch to the face.

Are You Starting?

Hello. I've been married to the man of my dreams for the last six months. I think he's the best looking guy in the whole of Sheffield. And that makes me proud. 

But he's got a bit of a problem with his beer. Every Friday night, he goes out and gets a bit drunk with his mates. 

I usually go with him to the pub. But he freaks me out with his... behaviour. Like, he'll have two pints and he'll be all, "Wahey, look at this bitch I married, fellas! Hahahahaha! What a fine piece of arse!" And I feel proud as they all openly leer at me, "Phwoooarrr!", "She's a belter!", "Solid 8/10, that one, mate!", and "I wouldn't kick that out of bed!"

Four pints later and they start getting a bit nasty. They start what I call the "Oi Oi!" game. This is where they yell "Oi, oi!" at all the "slappers" they see in the pub. I asked Bozzer about that once and he said, "We're just characters, darlin', you know what I mean?" So for about an hour they yell "Oi oi!" at all the women in the pub. 

Then a pint later and the shit hits the primordial fan [Editor: We think she means "proverbial" *smug grin*]. They start the, "You startin'?!" game. This is where they get really argy-bargy. Usually with each other. 

Bozzer usually squares off with his mate Mozzer. They'll get into an argument about football usually, but sometimes it's about stupid little things like which pie is best. Bozzer loves butter pie. Mozzer says, "Butter pies are for gays!" And then it kicks off. 

They stand up and square it off, mushing their foreheads against each other staring each other down. And it'll be like:

Bozzer: "You startin', mate?"
Mozzer: "You startin'?!"
Bozzer: "You fuckin' startin', mate?!"
Mozzer: "You what, mate?! You startin'!?"
Bozzer: "You fuckin' startin', mate?!"
Bozzer: "You startin', mate, you fuckin' well startin'!? Eh?!"
Mozzer: "I'm fuckin' well startin' if you are, mate!"
Bozzer: "Mate, I'm fuckin' well startin' if you are!"
Mozzer: "Well I'm fuckin' well startin, mate!"
Bozzer: "You startin' then, eh?! You startin'!?"

Then Nozzer will get up and try and break them up, usually because the landlord is yelling at them to get out of the pub. 

Now, depending on how drunk they all are, Bozzer and Mozzer then might think Nozzer is starting. So all three of them will end up squaring off, yelling "You startin'!?" at each other over and over. 

It doesn't usually end in a fight, they usually just, like, get bored because no one starts. But occasionally, like if Mozzer has had a brandy, then he'll slug his fist. It's only happened four times, though. 

I mean... I find it all a bit embarrassing. Bozzer usually can't remember most of it the day after anyway, calling me a "Crazy bitch!" for making it up. 

Do you have any suggestions for what I do with him? I remind you he's really hot, so I don't want to leave him. I love him! Yours, Jenny

Hi, Jenny. YOU STARTIN’!? Hah, just joking! Just joshing with you there.

Erm, we think Bozzer sounds like a bit of a prick, to be honest. We don’t care how hot he is, there are plenty of other blokes out there.

Nozzer sounds a bit more bearable, do you think you could start an affair with him?

Otherwise your best bet is to have some kids. That’ll almost certainly ensure Bozzer mans up and starts acting like an adult.

Either that or he’ll start squaring up with your kids. Oh well, at least they won’t grow up to be snowflakes, eh?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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