Exclusive Invention: The Electric Frying Pan Fan (for cool cooking)

A chef creating a wall of flames whilst cooking
Cook!

With summer here, it’s now time for you to keep cool. So, you get yourself an electric fan (or a slave to fan you with something).

But what about when you (or your slave) decide to cook? Frying up a full English breakfast is sweaty work. Well, we’re here to save the day!

Keeping Cool While Cooking

It’s the same old story during summer. You’re frying up half a dozen eggs in a pan, searing hot spittle shooting out onto you, and sweat dripping into the pan like a waterfall.

Do you get any support from your family? No! Just criticisms that it’s “disgusting”. So you bellow at them, “Shut up, or I’ll gob in the food as well!”

And then they don’t shut up. So you gob in the food. And your snowflake 10 year old brat calls you a “bellend” and the whole situation ends in a fuming screaming match.

Surely there’s more to life than that? Yes. And that’s all thanks to the electric frying pan fan.

This state of the art contraption is part fan, part pan. It’s a pamn fan.

It works as a normal pan, but there’s a fan installed beneath the central pan bit to create cooling gusts of air that billow about you.

So, you stay nice and cool. And not sweaty. Thusly ensuring you and your family can enjoy pleasant, verbally abusive free meals.

Health & Safety Warnings

As with many of our inventions, we must point out this one brings about various wellbeing compromises. These include the following:

  • Whilst the fan aspect of the contraption will cool you down, it’ll typically lead to food remaining undercooked. This can cause unfortunate complications for any foodstuffs requiring thorough heating (i.e. don’t use it for any meats, or you’ll face major toiletry-based consequences).
  • The fan tends to burn up on the naked flames, which causes (ironically) it to overheat. To stop it from exploding, we’ve invented the electric frying pan fan fan (sold separately). Use this to cool the pan whilst it’s in action.
  • The contraption isn’t suitable during colder weather (such as during winter), due to the possibility of inducing hypothermia.
  •  Due to its extra weight, the contraption may inadvertently cause extra sweating anyway as you heave it about the place.

A few things to keep in mind there. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was intending to provide a live demonstration on YouTube.

However, he’s off ill having contracted food poisoning. This probably has nothing to do with using the electric fan pan to cook all of his meals (including cornflakes).

Product Availability

Due to high demand from sweaty chefs the world over, we’ve decided to launch the electric frying pan fan at the competitive price of £150 ($200).

We’ve set ambitious targets and intend to dominate the market. This is our schedule:

  • Q4 2020: Launch the product, huge celebrations and social gatherings in Manchester—sod coronavirus, we’re here to get rich.
  • Q1 2020: Revel in success as the millions roll in—ignore negative feedback from outraged fans as they inadvertently poison their customers.
  • Q2 2020: Totally ignore ongoing legal threats and notices of violating food health and safety standards.
  • Q3 2020: Shut down due to obviously illegal nature of the contraption. Divert all wealth to the head honchos (as we’re superior to everyone else), ensuring our subordinates face redundancy and probable homeless. So what? If they’re poor, they should work harder.

As you can see, we’re optimistic and pessimistic about the next 12 months. Wish us luck by purchasing out products.

There are 350,000 available right now in a giant warehouse in Stockport (don’t even think about robbing it).

7 comments

    • For an extra 2,000 of your NZD we can stack them up for you. Although that may well lead to a collapse in the Copernican Principle. As these pans are pretty special.

      Like

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.