Exclusive Invention: Bombjela (like bonjela, but more explosive)

A giant smiling pink mouth with teeth
Our highly disturbing marketing logo.

Every now and then, one gets a mouth ulcer. And the little bastard continues being a little bastard for a week. Who you gonna call?! Bonjela!

Well, not anymore! For now, in 2020, we’ve got bombjela. It’s like bonjela. It’s just a tad more… incendiary. And we don’t mean it “speaks its mind” and all that! No!

What is bombjela?

It’s a new brand of oral treatment! It helps to relieve the pain of an annoying little mouth ulcer. How? Why, through a catastrophic explosion! That’s how!

By creating severe disfigurement and anguish elsewhere on their person, the bombjela owner removes the mild irritation of a mouth ulcer in an instant.

And instead induces severe, agonising facial lacerations due to the bombastic nature of our oral treatment product.

Is bombjela legal?

No, it isn’t technically “legal”. But what even is these days!? You so much as SNEEZE and the nanny state, PC brigade are there complaining and ruining life for you.

So don’t worry about that. This product is for everyone (except far-right lunatics).

Where can I buy bombjela!? My ulcer is really annoying me, dammit!

You can only purchase our product on the black market. For now, anyway. Perhaps at some point in the future explosions will become socially acceptable.

Until that great day, you’ll have to make do with furtive bombjela pickups at weird locations in and around Manchester.

So, yes, you’ll need to come to the North West of England to get this stuff. We can’t airmail it to you. Bombjela costs a mere £5 ($10) a tube.

But factor in flight costs and it’s a tad more expensive. For example, if you decide to come in from New York of the USA to collect then we’re looking at about $1,110.

We guess it depends on how annoying your mouth ulcer is.

Can’t I just shoot my mouth ulcer with a gun?

You can indeed! Feel free to do that if it’s of greater expedience to you.

Okay. Do you sell guns?

Yes, we have a fantastic range of really brutal potato guns. If a person is shot, it’s powerful enough to leave a really nasty stinging sensation on the skin.

We also have a few hundred romance bazookas leftover from Valentine’s Day 2020. They didn’t end up being very popular.

For some reason. In fact, that makes us think of a fantastic bargain bin sale for any love-struck unfortunates with mouth ulcers:

  • Got a mouth ulcer? Get another for free! Then get a romance bazooka AND a FREE pack of bomjela!

So, if you’re keen to take advantage, you need as many mouth ulcers as possible!

How do I get many mouth ulcers?

The best way is to bite your cheeks, which can lead to them. As of today, we recommend you go about heartily chomping away at your mouth.

The rewards? An insanely dangerous weapon and some mouth cream! We’re sure you’ll agree this is a quite outstanding opportunity.

Health and safety guidance

On a final note, do be aware the bombjela has the capacity to cause colossal injuries and/or death. As such, only adults should consider using it.

Bombjela does also double-up as a type of incendiary grenade. Thusly, should your country suddenly collapse into warfare, you can use it as a self-defense item.

Or you can just use it to annoy your neighbours. You know, blow up their bins and all that. Lol. That’d be pretty funny.

Either way, just BUY the product! Yes? And then try to be responsible adults with it. Just try.

It doesn’t matter if you fail dismally, but our requests for you to try and legally binding and waive us off from all legal consequences from neighbours with destroyed bins.

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