Some people eat things and then those things disagree with them. That leads to a growling tummy and weird internal noises. How do you solve that?

Dealing With Indigestion

Disclaimer: Our medical advice is atrocious and it’s best you pay no real attention to it. Certainly, don’t pay for us to help you. That’d be a waste of money. 

Hi Dr. Moron. I'm struggling with an embarrassing issue. I get bad indigestion and when I'm at work it's pretty awkward because during meetings at the office my stomach might turn over like it's having a yelling match with my lungs. I know my colleagues can hear it. And I know they're silently judging me. What should I do? Thanks, Frank

Hi, Frank! This is a common issue many common people suffer from.

Common reasons for this common issue include common foodstuffs such as greasy meals. So, as you can see, there’s a common issue at play here. However, other reasons can include:

• Communism.

So, if you’re a socialist bastard you’ll no doubt be doubled over with pain a lot of the time. Simply due to the chronic nature of your ideologies.

It’s important to look after your abdomen as many essential organs are there. That includes the large intestine, the medium-sized intestine, the small intestine, and the tiny intestine.

These four organs need to shift food you eat around your body. And your “liver” and “kidneys” are also operating during this time, to ensure you don’t just become a bulbous individual plugged up with foodstuffs (and beverages).

The result of this activity is you can become “indigested”. Symptoms of this include:

• Grumbling and rumbling stomach issues.
• Vocal complaints such as, “Bloody hell, I think I have indigestion!”
• Violent bowel movements.
• Screams of terror as your abdomen takes on a life of its own, as if you’re in that Ridley Scott film Alien (1979).

The solution lies in the remedy we concocted in the summer of 2019. We named this the…

Indigestion Remedy

This is a liquefied cure all that’ll have you bouncing off walls before you can say, “I shouldn’t have eaten that Pot Noodle sandwich!”

As we’re legally obliged to inform you, Frank, the ingredients for this thing include:

• Marmite.
• Cocaine.
• Heroin.
• Ginger.
• Mint.
• Brie cheese.
• Milk thistle.
• Fennel.
• Ethanol.
• Ether.
• Oregano and basil.

This is all blended together to create the patented drink. Which you should brace yourself to imbibe, then down it in one.

It’ll knock you out for a solid 24 hours or so. And you may wake up with double vision, nausea, scurvy, and chronic vomiting sessions.

Rest assured, that’ll probably pass. After which, you’ll be fine and dandy.

However, should the indigestion return, you’ll need to drink another batch of the remedy—just ensure you have the relevant time away from work planned, as if you’re unconscious you can’t complete your societal responsibilities.

Other Solutions

If you don’t have the time to pass out for 24 hours in a pool of vomit, Frank, then consider not eating anything.

We checked our medical notes and found this can lead to something called “starvation”. Which you can cure by eating food.

This is very confusing for us, we must admit, as if you eat food you get indigestion. But if you don’t, you won’t get it. But you’ll starve, wither away, and then die. Which is a worse outcome than an upset stomach.

Hmm. We must say you’ll have to balance this one out yourself, Frank, there’s only so much we can do to help here.

Perhaps drink our remedy around meals. Or, hey, take up drinking a laxative before and after meals to purge your system.

Ultimately, indigestion is a personal issue. There’s only so much empathy we can extend during the course of the day before we stop giving a toss.