The shedding of this hair and accumulation of it in the bathroom often leads to screaming matches between couples. And that’s where we come in (to help).
How to Deal With Hair Clogging a Drain
Hello agony aunt. My husband (Derek) is a large man and he has a lot of hair. He's just one of those really hairy blokes, you know? This one time we went on holiday to southern France and he was walking across the beach in his speedos. Locals thought he was an escaped gorilla from the nearby zoo. Hysterics followed. Screaming. Panic. The French police turned up, shot Derek in his leg, and threw a net over him. All the while Derek was yelling, "Get off me, you French froggy bastards!" Well, the police thought it was the enraged bellows of the gorilla and jabbed at Derek with an electric taser. We got a nice settlement from that with the French government and a free holiday in Avignon. No hard feelings from me. Derek now refuses to go anywhere near a beach. Probably for the best, I guess. Anyway, the point of all this is he molts. The hair comes off him and clogs up the bathtub plughole. So, twice a week muggins here is clawing at the thing with my fingers, tweezers, and whatever to yank chunks of man hair out. I've resorted to just using really strong bleach after that to get the stuff that's clogged down further in the drain. The fumes from that stuff are all over the house and we're all getting a bit high off it. When you take a shower you feel really giddy, so I start screaming lyrics from ABBA hits. With clever turns of phrase, you know? "Showering Queen" and "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Shampoo!" That sort of stuff. Derek, though, keeps passing out. Big manly man, the fumes are too much for him! Wuss. So I just find his lard arse slumped in the tub and have to rouse him by slapping his face repeatedly. I hope he keeps losing consciousness, to be honest, it lets me take my frustrations out on him. Anyway, what do you reckon about all this? Should I wait until he starts going bald or take action now? Cheers, Glenda
Hi, Glenda! This is a most unfortunate problem. Off the top of our heads, we can tell this isn’t an issue you can rectify by breaking your husband’s legs.
You need to direct your vehemence towards the bathtub. And adjust it suitably to ensure this horrible situation ends.
Bathtub Adjustments For Hygiene
The most obvious alteration is to make the plughole bigger. There are several stipulations we must address here before you do that:
- The hole mustn’t be too large—if your husband (or you, for that matter) falls in you may never get him back.
- The larger the hole, the more rats will come scurrying up it.
- Random strangers will also be able to climb up into your bathroom for a look around. This could prove embarrassing, should you be in the shower.
So, we recommend a plughole size of three feet by three feet.
This should facilitate water draining out of your property and into your nearby sanitation centre.
If The Plughole Is Too Large
It’s essential you don’t make the plughole beyond four feet by four feet.
Should you do this, it’ll become analogous to a black hole. As such, all around you will drain away and be lost to eternity.
The gravitational pull of the plughole will be so strong, in fact, all the hair from your person will be sucked into it.
In essence, we suppose this may suffice if you wish to alleviate your husband from all of his hair. So go ahead with a plughole of this size if you’re willing to face the risks.
However, once your husband is hairless then you should contact NASA and/or your local physics genius to block up the plughole black hole.
You can do that with a specially adapted device, such as a large cork.
Do be aware, though, that should your husband be sucked into the bathroom-based black hole, you’ll likely never see him again.
He’ll enter a new spacetime dimension. One clogged up with lots of matted hair and all that—not really the type of place you’d want to hang out with him.