When not panic-stricken about the possibility of going bald, human males must also fear the dreaded dandruff.
Otherwise known as “hair snow”, this is not something you should endeavour to make a snowman out of.
Indeed, dandruff can be linked to horrendous conditions such as stupidity (i.e. the inability to buy an appropriate shampoo and conditioner). Luckily, we’re here today to help a feeble dunce.
Tips on Stopping Dandruff
Disclaimer: This is not proper medical advice and you should treat it as dangerously misinformed nonsense.
Yo. I'm Kevvo, I run a business in Bolton about getting great big muscles on your arms [Editor: We looked this up and he runs what is called a "gymnasium"]. But it's getting a bit dead embarrassing because I got bad hair snow [Editor: "Dandruff"]. And my staff are taking the piss out of me. I threatened to sack them all, but they just laughed at me because I was waving my arms about in a rage and loads of hair snow was coming off me. Those bastards! How do I make this stop? Cheers, Kevvo
Hello, Kevvo. Dandruff is a common issue that many men and women struggle with. Luckily, it isn’t usually fatal.
However, left unchecked it can result in scurvy or the need for limb amputations and open heart surgery. Sometimes all three at once.
Luckily, Dr. Moron wrote a paper on this matter in 2016 titled Essential Surgery Procedures and Random Injections of Stuff to Ensure the Death of Dandruff. In it, he postulated:
"It is essential to clarify that dandruff is not so much an illness, more a stain on humanity's record. And not so much a 'stain', more a snowstorm of bits that leads to the embarrassment of a species. Do donkeys get dandruff? No. Not that donkeys have the intellectual capacity to have concern for such a development, but you would still expect the likes of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh to put the effort in to lead a dandruff-free life. I must postulate that it is lucky, therefore, that there has not been a major alien invasion on this planet since at least 2001, for aliens bringing gifts such as eternal life machines, Mars cheese, space bazookas, and a cure for the common cold would NOT find much solidarity with humanity's inability to control dandruff."
As such, Kevvo, controlling this issue isn’t merely about appearing more domineering in the eyes of your workforce.
It’s essential for the survival of the human race. And we have an experimental inoculation available for £500.
Dandruff Inoculation Experiment
A simple hypodermic needle injection is all that’s required here. With 37 injections to the skull in key dandruff zones.
Notably, over the top of the cranium, over the sides of the ears, and several into the eyebrows (just to be on the safe side).
Eyebrow dandruff is one of the worst kinds and can lead to the total collapse of your very existence (fired from work, divorced, and loathed by all) unless you get it under control.
Referring back to Dr. Moron’s 2016 paper, another verbatim extract sheds more light on this issue:
"Eyebrow dandruff is responsible for the collapse of many civilizations. During antiquity, it is noted that some kings slayed so many of their subjects labouring under eyebrow dandruff that populations were reduced to an absolute minimum. This left the aforementioned kings open to attack from marauding lunatics, who duly took over the aforementioned kings' respective empires as no one was around to defend them."
Whilst normal dandruff doesn’t present such an onerous outcome, it is, nonetheless, important to inoculate yourself to remain a respectful member of society. Best of luck, Kevvo.
Yes, that eyebrow dandruff thing is the worst. Apparently Caesar had it, and the real reason why he crossed the Rubicon is there was a brow-dander clinic on the other side. I may be wrong, though, it’s a while since I did any ancient history (and the bits I did were boring, you know, who killed who, and what have the Romans ever done for us, etc).
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If Caesar had it, no wonder the Roman Empire disintegrated. I should imagine many empires have fallen due to eyebrow dandruff.
Become a Special Effects guy in the movie biz. Your forte will be snow.
Problem solved. You’ll make lots of money, and a few exhausted girls from wardrobe will want to date you.
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I should imagine movie snow is just vast containers of dandruff being sprinkled everywhere. Just as well actors are well paid (some of them, anyway).