The human head is a confusing thing, especially when you find little monsters living there on your scalp. Such as with today’s disgusting, unwashed fiend.

Getting Rid of a Head Louse

Disclaimer: Avoid our “advice” at all costs, we don’t know what we’re on about.

Dear Dr. Moron. My boyfriend woke up with a hysterical wail this morning and ran from our bedroom screaming, "The bitch has nits!" 

Within 20 minutes he'd texted all his friends and family and dumped me in a long, rambling voicemail message.  

I checked my hair and, yeah, I think I have head lice. I'm a teacher, so I guess it happens from time to time. 

I didn't realise my boyfriend is such a pansy. He's right off my Christmas card list now!

Anyway, how do I take care of this? The nits need to go. Thanks, Bernadette

Hi Bernadette. We once had a friend pour bleach over his head to rid himself of the little beasts, permanently losing his hair in the process.

So that’s a definite no-no, in our humble opinion as medical experts. You shouldn’t have to worry about how to go bald.

A better bet would have been tarring and feathering himself, killing the rodents once and for all. Either that or fumigating his home. Or bathing in boiling hot water for many hours.

Anyway, regarding your situation you can use an anti-louse cream, such as mayonnaise and/or suntan lotion.

Liberally spread the stuff onto your skull, which should suffocate the bastards (as well as ensuring you don’t get sunburn).

Whilst you wait to see if that’s effective, busy yourself with this humorous look at that excellent character Murray the Skull.

If The Nits Persist

Where circumstances become serious is if the mayonnaise doesn’t kill off the head lice. Then you’ve really only got a matter of time before they eat you alive.

In the world of hospitals, that’s actually a medical emergency.

You’ll need to phone in sick to work and explain your grim prognosis. Then prepare yourself for the battle of a lifetime. Overcoming stubborn nits involves:

• Taking all of your clothes off and bathing in a vat of delousing liquid.
• Sealing yourself into a 10 foot by 10 foot container (it’s more like a coffin).
• Remaining isolated for at least 30 days.
• Drinking nothing but orange juice with bits for a month (if you prefer orange juice without bits, tough shit).
• Increasingly losing your mind as the encroaching darkness overwhelms your every thought.

Once out of your isolation container unit, a 100 strong team of medical professionals and scientists will prod at you with long pointy sticks and scalpels.

If you still haven’t recovered from the nits, then you’ll be sealed in a plastic bag, put into a lead box, sealed into that, and shipped off to a remote island.

Once there, you’ll be left to fend for yourself and start a new life. As such, your teaching career will have to be put on hold.

That’s unless you begin a new colony on your island (Bernadette Land, for example) and decide to avoid Supreme Ruler status in favour of teaching kids their ABCs.

All the best, Bernadette. Please don’t send us any further correspondence, we don’t want your goddamn fleas. You hear!?