Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I stop going bald?!”

A bald man with a gold chain around his neck.
Indeed.

Although we have a guide to going bald, some of our readers are choosing to ignore this in favour of finding a quick fix.

Such as today’s poor, balding fool. He’s convinced he can turn things around to lead a hairier life. To the rescue!

How to Reverse Male Pattern Balding

Disclaimer: Although we know what we’re on about with hair loss, you should probably ignore our advice anyway. Just to be on the safe side.

Hi doctor Moron. I'm Dwayne. I'm 42 and my hair is dropping out and I'm thinking I need it to grow back.

Me mates down the pub are already calling me "Baldy" and, drunk one night and in a rage about it I smashed a beer bottle over me mate Dave's head. Me other mate Derek then lugged me in the face and then Dominic, me best mate, rugby tackled Derek. Daniel, me other mate, then tried to stop us all but his mate Damien spurred us all on and it turned into a proper pub brawl. David the landlord weren't happy about that and we're barred now.

I'm not even fully bald yet and already it's causing proper barnies! 

I asked the missus, Doreen, if it bothered her and she just broke down in tears. I've never seen anything more moving in me life.

So I looked it up online and found some "home remedies". One involved rubbing cat piss in the skull. I sourced a cat but I don't know how to get the piss out of it. Any suggestions? 

Ta, Dwayne

Hi, Dwayne. Unfortunately, there’s not a simple way of stopping baldness. Also, please return that cat to its owner.

Anyway, there are many legends about stopping male pattern balding.

For example, one is to perform a handstand. With all the blood pooling in the base of your skull, this’ll encourage further hair growth. At least that’s the urban legend.

Alas, reality is a harsh monstrosity. What really happens is you start hallucinating that your hair is growing back. That’s right up until you pass out and collapse in a heap.

As such, we don’t recommend this approach. But you can try out other remedies, such as:

  • Wearing a wig.
  • Yodelling.
  • Wearing a toupée.
  • Drawing hair back on your head with a biro.
  • Growing a big beard and combing that over onto your skull.
  • Attempting black market hair elixirs.

Do be aware that black market balding remedies tend to have no effect. They can also cause serious limb loss (one bloke had his ears drop off).

Our advice? We always promote simply buying a buzzer and shaving your hair down to your head. Then you’ll be used to it in a week.

However, if you’re really desperate to keep your hair then you can get a hair transplant.

Homemade Hair Transplants

You can’t trust black market hair doctors to get this right. You’d probably end up with lawn grass sown into your skull, or some such.

So, your best bet is to perform some DIY hair transplant procedures. For this, you’ll need:

  • A sewing kit.
  • Some hair (from a hairy source, such as if you have a dog that moults).
  • Nerves of steel.
  • A high threshold for pain.
  • Some beer to take away the pre-operation panic.
  • Bandages to soak up the blood.

As you may be able to tell, performing this operation by yourself isn’t advisable.

Plus, the end result of a load of smelly dog hair stitched into your scalp isn’t really the best of looks. Quite the bloody opposite! Many people will flee in terror at the sight of you.

As such, we heartily recommend you embrace the bald! Get some buzzers and go for it, Dwayne.

It’ll make you look for more psychotically efficient during pub brawls.

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