Santa Column: Working 9 to 5 past 3 am (& US Election 2020 Response)

A Santa hat on a picket fence line in the snow.
Happy holidays!

Time for more Santa Claus on this fine working week. This time out he’s depressed about the American election 2020. But he’s chuffed about his new office. Hurray!

US Election Reflections

I was on the toilet having some serious bowel issues when the news came through. Markus, my head elf, banged loudly on the toilet door.

“Sir, it’s over! Biden has won!” Incandescent with rage, I had to wait the next hour before things cleared up on my end. It was a frustrating wait. Really, I should eat less mince pies.

Anyway, once finished I stood up and immediately screamed. My gout is playing up again, you see, so I had to lie on the floor for a bit clutching my big toe.

That took another half an hour. All told, by the time I emerged from the bathroom the factory was in a state of euphoria. Celebrations, shrieking, dancing…

What the bloody hell!? I wasn’t letting those communists have that!

Stripping bollock naked to make my point clear, I marched through the factory with my shotgun (not a euphemism) firing at anyone celebrating.

That did the trick and the factory returned to a fully functioning working unit. That’s how I like it. Professionalism is a big part of why I’m so successful.

At that point I had terrible stomach cramps, so had to crouch on the floor like a sumo wrestler to relieve myself.

That was in the Barbie doll factory unit. 50 of my elves looked on in horror. I belaboured, “What are you staring at, you commie bastards!”

I then burst into tears at the election’s implications. We’ll all be living in Gulags before the year is out… the libtards really did it in this time!

Santa’s New Office

Returning to my office, I began drinking heavily. It’s at this point I realised I must protect the factory, and my business, from the horrors of leftists.

You only need to look at what Genghis Khan did to know the liberals are out to destroy the economy. So I’ve come up with this plan of action:

  • 350 armed guards (all men and all shotgun wielding—not a euphemism) patrolling the perimeter of the factory 24/7.
  • 350 savage guard dogs (349 rottweilers, with one pug to balance out the evilness) guarding the factory between their naps, walkies, bath time, and feeding hours.
  • 350 cannons to be erected (lol) on the factory unit roofs. These will engage with any airborne communists arriving to strip me of my money that I earned through hard work only because I am superior to everyone else.
  • An aggressive leaflet campaign for the local community extolling the dangers of fair wealth distribution.
  • Emergency atom bombs to be detonated in case the liberals breach the above security arrangements.

Meanwhile, my bitch wife has been on my case about why I’m ignoring the government’s coronavirus lockdown regulations.

I know the PC, namby pamby, nanny state leftists will have a go at me over this one, but I decided to do a proper “mansplain” at her.

So I sat her down in the office bathroom (I’d just vomited in the office, so was waiting for the puke to be cleared away by my slaves) and said something like this (I can’t remember what verbatim, I was pretty drunk at the time):

"Woman, this isn't a time to be panicking about a hoax. There are real issues at play here. The leader of the free world just lost to a communist. As the man of this house, and a highly successful business owner, it's my duty to protect us all from WWIII and Gulags. 

Christ, if we're not careful Rasputin will be breaking down the factory gates to practice some shamanic ceremony! Do you want that!? Do you want Rasputin here, woman!? Christ, we'd have to put him up and everything, give him a room to stay in. Pay him welfare rates because he's a leftist, workshy freeloader. And if we didn't the liberals would protest that I'm a racist or some namby pamby, PC, nanny state hoo-ha like that.

Do you know what that'd do to my reputation, woman? Well, I swear right now, as Satan as my witness, that I WILL NOT let RASPUTIN ruin Christmas 2020! If it's the last thing I do [and I this point I stopped to vomit—I should really cut down on whiskey], I'll wipe the liberals off the face of this business site that I run because I'm a successful businessman! WHO'S WITH ME!?!?!?"

I kept bellowing “WHO’S WITH ME?!” over and over. But my wife just walked off looking annoyed and the nearby elves looked malnourished and desperate.

That cheered me up something rotten. I walked into my office and punched the nearest elf in the face. The one dabbing up my pool of puke with a napkin. Serves him right!

For the remainder of the day I installed anti-communist propaganda around the factory units to drill capitalistic virtues into my employees’ diseased leftist brains:

  • Work hard for rewards (a poverty wage).
  • Work hard to make me pointlessly wealthy.
  • Work hard.
  • Work.
  • No time off.
  • Be as bigoted and vile as you like, that’s freedom of speech!

Ignoring the Working Time Regulations 1998

Just on a final note, I’ve shifted my elves’ working hours to 9 am (although I expect them to be in by at least 6 am) through to 3:05 am.

Christmas is still on track. No commie bastards will stop that!

And while it does mean death due to exhaustion for a number of my employees, what cheers me so is knowing the little girls will be getting their Barbie dolls on Christmas Day.

That and I get richer. Which is all that matters in this world. Me. Because I’ve worked harder than everyone else.

Now, excuse me, I need to go and vomit into a bin.

35 comments

  1. I had no idea Santa was into such worldly politics. BTW has anyone mentioned to the big S, that Rasputin was assassinated in 1916? Yes, he’s dead, Santa.
    However, Rumpelstiltskin is still around. I think there’s 2 of him now, because at the end of the tale he tears himself in 2.
    Rumpel was a nasty piece of work, right up Santa’s wheelhouse!

    Liked by 1 person

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