Agony Aunt: “My husband is a salesman and keeps trying to swindle me!”

Three cartoon salesmen with a brown background
Sales people.

When you own a husband, you typically can expect the husband to do things such as washing the car, mowing the lawn, and whining about his athlete’s foot.

However, some human male husbands go the extra mile to annoy their wives. Such as today’s salesman, who perfects his work by practicing hustle on his wife. For shame!

When Your Husband is a Salesman

Dead agony aunt [Editor: She’s either threatening us here or, more likely, she made a typo]. My husband, Mike, is a door-to-door salesman who tries to cold sell deep cleaning vacuum cleaners to unsuspecting members of the public.


He’s had this role for the last 13 years and has sold 237 vacuum cleaners. He is very proud of this achievement. He calls himself, “The best vacuum cleaner salesman in all of Lancashire!” I told him there’s no quantitative or qualitative way of determining that, but he then sulked about that for the next three months.

When he started talking to me again, it was in salesman speak. Hustle, basically. He keeps trying to swindle me into buying vacuum cleaners. I had to relent for the sake of our marriage and buy 12 of the things, but this is now getting a bit out of control.

I admit he’s a great door-to-door salesman. Possibly the best in our neighbourhood. But ALL of Lancashire?! Unlikely! Also, I don’t need (or want) to buy any further vacuum cleaners from him. 12 is more than enough! In fact, one would have been fine! My friends visit our home and they always ask why we have 12 of the bloody things.

I have to lie and say that I have crippling OCD and just have to hoover away every spec of dust. And that the fear of NOT having a vacuum cleaner around leaves me frothing wildly at the mouth,

However, we’re trying to save for a holiday home in Bulgaria, but because I keep buying vacuum cleaners from Mike we’re behind our budgeting target! And the house is now cluttered with vacuum cleaners. Although, on the plus side, our carpets have never been cleaner! Thanks to the Deep Cleaner+’s unique blend of nozzle and velocity ratio, it can…

No! You see, this is what he’s done to me with his bloody vacuum cleaner smooth talking! I’ve had enough of this. I need to break free from his mantra. Any suggestions? Yours, Felicity

Hello, Facility. Wow, we’ve not even met Mike and we’re tempted to buy a vacuum cleaner from him. Could you get us a 20% discount, with some free nozzles thrown in? Great if so!

Anyway, returning to your problem. Well, we’re getting a bit sick and tired of people writing into us and whining about their problems.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it yourself. Empty your bags out and install a new one. Deep clean your lifestyle, you know?

My advice is do a sales degree and suction up some NLP knowledge. That’s neurolinguistic programming. You’ll be able to brainwash people into buying your goods.

What your husband has done to you here is foist 12 vacuum cleaners onto you. It’s now your challenge to head out into Lancashire and sell them on for a profit. Are you up it? Do you want to prove you’re a feminist!?! Here’s your opportunity!!

Alternatively, you can just jam the hoover nozzle into your husband’s stupid face and turn the machine on. Voila, he won’t be so full of himself after that, eh?

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