Invention: The Scurvy App (an app determining if you have scurvy)

A person holding an iPhone with lots of apps on it
“Wow! According to Scurvio I have scurvy and will dead in a week! I’m sharing that with my followers! They’ll be dead jealous!”

Welcome! At Professional Moron, we’re branching out our inventions into app technology in the vague hope one will hit it big and make us rich.

We can then sell the app onto Facebook for a cool $10 billion. And spend the rest of our lives doing TED talks, pointing at graphs, and pretending we’re business geniuses rather than just folks who lucked out.

Our concept? Well, we spotted a gap in the market for scurvy apps! And we think we’ve hit it big with this one.

What’s the Scurvy App?

Scurvio is the world’s first scurvy detection app! It helps you determine if you’re labouring under the effects of scurvy.

It’s free to download and boasts many features. Its main interface involves a page with details on scurvy, plus the chance to scan your face with the inbuilt scurvy detect o’meter.

By using your phone’s camera it’ll pick up on telltale signs of scurvy and inform you of your prognosis. This could be along the lines of:

  • You’ll be dead within a week
  • You’re doomed, but it’s unclear when you’ll succumb
  • You probably have scurvy
  • You may not have scurvy
  • Huzzah! You’re scurvy free!

The app comes with GPS installed and with inbuilt data on all of the nearest supermarkets and juice shops.

As such, if you’re stricken with scurvy then Scurvio will direct you to your nearest establishment that has oranges.

As such, we’re marketing this product to key audiences such as:

  • Those with poor diets
  • Hypochondriacs
  • Anyone with objections about citrus fruits
  • Modern pirates
  • Ignorant people
  • Fussy eaters

With Scurvio on your phone, you’ll never have to worry about scurvy again! Unless all you do is eat crisps all the time, or something. Then you’re doomed.

But the good news is you’ll be able to share all of your life and death experiences straight to your followers!

Scurvio’s Social Sharing Options

Like most apps, Scurvio allows you to post updates about your scurvy journey to social media.

Want to instill feelings of jealousy amongst your friends and followers? Upload your latest status to Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram!

In a self-pitying mood as you were too stupid to eat some food containing vitamin C anytime in the last few months? Post a sad face to your followers whining about your wobbly teeth and swollen gums!

Scurvy is the limit with this app as you gross out your followers with pictures of weird stuff coming out of your body, all while you refuse to eat an orange.

Official Scurvio Soundtrack

Right now, we’re trying to get ’70s band Can to provide the official music for Scurvio. We really feel the app will become complete with some bangin’ tunes.

The track we want? Vitamin C off its Ege Bamyasi album, of course!

Why? Because it’s apt! We feel it suits the tone and feel of Scurvio down to the ground and will emote with our target audiences.

We’re also hoping to get The Pogues’ lead singer Shane MacGowan to promote the app on a series of adverts.

Why Shane MacGowan? No real reason. We just think he’ll be charismatic.

We did think about using Gwyneth Paltrow, but she’s busy with her Goop project thing and movies. And she doesn’t have scurvy.

Not that we’re saying Shane MacGowan has scurvy! But, you know, he’s more the sort of person people can identify with and all that.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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