Are you sick to death of your lawn being shot to smithereens in endless drive-bys and other gun-based tomfoolery? Such activity can ruin even the finest gardener’s best work!
Good news! Your woes are at an end! By installing bulletproof grass, your garden will be safe, secure, and free from unsightly bullet holes. Here’s how to do it!
What’s Bulletproof Grass?
Bulletproof glass protects your lawn from the pesky nature of crazed maniacs and their assortment of guns.
And with summer on the way, that makes it even more essential to ensure your lawn isn’t a bullet-ridden hell hole.
By installing bulletproof grass, you can maintain an idyllic garden and:
- Secure peace of mind.
- Frustrate gun-wielding maniacs.
- Be the envy of the entire neighbourhood.
- Make the gun-wielding thugs want to shoot you instead of your lawn!
Yes, whilst your neighbours’ (respective) gardens may look like a warzone, you can rest easy knowing your garden is as pristine as a freshly baked cake (i.e. one that hasn’t been shot by a shotgun).
How Does Bulletproof Grass Work?
It’s easy! You buy the fresh garden lawn turf from us in segments. No matter how big your lawn, we’ll supply the bulletproof grass and nail it into your lawn.
Even if you own many acres of land, we have enough in our warehouse to deck out the entire world 0.000001% times over.
The grass is made out of polycarbonate, acrylic, and grass-clad polycarbonate.
It isn’t real grass, but it has a realistic grass sheen to it 24/7 all year round. It can even withstand a bazooka shot!
However, it is susceptible to destruction if an atom bomb detonates. So there’s an extra reason to wish for no nuclear war! Haha!
Once the lawn is down, if a vagabond (such as a jealous neighbour) attempts a drive-by on your garden, the bullets will ricochet off the lawn and back towards everyone else.
What Happens If I Want to Shoot My Lawn?
In the event of a fit of rage (such as a misfire with your romance bazooka), you may wish to take your anger out on your garden.
If that’s the case, simply pull up the bulletproof grass and shoot at the mud underneath it.
What About Cutting the Grass?
There’s no need for a lawnmower! If you try anyway, the lawnmower may become jammed on the grass, which will cause it to overheat and explode in a ball of flames.
If you’re anywhere near the thing, this may result in severe burns. If you have a servant to take care of this type of thing for you, do so!
Should they go up in a ball of flames, then get a new servant!
Do note that if a lot of people are shooting at your lawn, then it can amass a huge array of spent bullets all over its surface.
So you’ll want to hire someone to, twice daily, pick up the bullet cases to keep your garden looking utterly spotless.
The Pros and Cons of Bulletproof Grass
Okay, we’re not here to manipulate you into buying this product! You already know how good it is and that you’re a pathetic loser if you don’t buy it.
But if you still need convincing, here are the pros and cons of buying bulletproof grass:
- Pro: You won’t be a pathetic loser if you buy this product.
- Con: Your superiority over everyone else may make you embarrassed. Ignore such humility!
- Pro: Your lawn won’t look like something from the Blitz.
- Con: If you can’t afford servants, you’ll have to pick up bullet casings from it.
- Pro: People who have bulletproof grass aren’t pathetic nobodies who are poor!
- Con: Your friends will be dead jealous of you. Tell them to suck it up!
As you can see, the pros far outweigh the cons!
Get bulletproof grass today! Because even if you’re laying dead on the ground in a pool of blood, your garden will leave an amazing lasting legacy for you.