Ask Dr. Moron: “If I crack my knuckles will I die horribly?”

A hand in black and white showing the knuckles
Nice knuckles, mate.

Knuckle cracking has remained one of the great human vices since the dawn of time. It has plagued civilizations like a plague and annoyed many a person.

For the individual cracking their knuckles, what health risks do they face? That’s what Dr. Moron was asked today, to which we respond in timely fashion.

Knuckle Cracking and Your Health

Disclaimer: For the love of God, don’t trust our medical advice! It’s bad!

Hi Dr. Moron. I'm a bit unsure about your medical credentials, but I need a quick answer to this and you seem to respond readily to people. So I've decided to pay the £700 for your diagnosis. 

I've been cracking my knuckles for 30 years now, but the wife keeps telling me it'll give me arthritis. My mother Barbarella (95) used to say that as well, but now she's stepped up her paranoia and keeps screaming at me that it'll kill me dead if I continue. 

I think they're being a bit ridiculous. How exactly can knuckle cracking kill me? They're being ridiculous. My mother smoked 30 a day for 30 years straight and she's telling me that me cricking at my knuckles is a bad thing? Ridiculous!

But I need your verdict. Please, £700 was quite a lot and money is tight right now for everyone. So the sooner I get a response, the sooner I can use my knuckles to start punching people again (a hobby of mine). Yours, Nigel

Hi, Nigel. Thank you for raising such concerns, it’s important we stress our medical expertise in full before going further.

You should also refer to our guide on a husband cracking their knuckles and the strain this can have on your marriage with Barbarella.

Dr. Moron’s Credentials

Dr. Moron isn’t a fully trained doctor, no, but he has access to priceless resources enabling him to save your life. These resources include:

Armed with such exceptional knowledge, Dr. Moron can now continue with his prognosis, diagnosis, and halitosis.

Your Knuckle-Based Diagnosis

Knuckles are one of the most noticeable features on the human hand, along with the fingers, nails, and any festering sores.

However, cracking them may lead to a fatal injury in certain situations. Such as:

  • You break a bone during one crack and the bone shoots out of your hand and into your skull.
  • Your relentless cracking leads to gangrene, which you then ignore like an idiot because you think it looks cool and manly.
  • Whilst going to crack your knuckles, one hand slips and you accidentally jam the aforementioned hand into a meat cleaver which then shreds your hand from your body resulting  in mass blood loss.

Along with the capacity to kill yourself, you should also keep in mind how it’s a bloody annoying hobby for other people to endure.

For example, knuckle cracking at work is one of the worst things ever and result in you losing your job and becoming homeless.

On top of that, you may also end up with a severe brain injury with knuckle bones lodged in your brain. Is that the future you want, Nigel? Well!?

A Cracking Conclusion

There are many clinics that specialise in knuckle cracking therapy. These can help you overcome this issue.

Sessions revolve around activities to stop you from cricking your fingers. These activities include:

  • Hobbling With a Sledgehammer: So that walking becomes more difficult. This has been shown to reduce knuckle cracking in humans by up to 70%.
  • Knuckle Conversion Therapy: A controversial method, but you that brainwashes you into believing your knuckles are stupid and knuckle cracking is stupid. This will stop you from cricking them. The downside is you’ll become a horrible bigot.
  • Ouija Boards: A séance to communicate with knuckle crackers from the past, some of whom will explain why knuckle cracking ruined their knuckles and lives. However, others will boast about their experiences and be quite chuffed about it.

There we go, Nigel, that’s the full extent of our advice.

Just to note, you’ve only paid one instalment of the £700 owed so far. Please forward us the second within 24 hours or you’ll get a knuckle sandwich.

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