
Doilies. It doesn’t get more British than that—even more so than any Sunday roast dinner or some such. The doily is where it’s at!
But you can have too much of a good thing. And today’s human male is distraught that his broad has a tragic addiction that is destroying their lives.
What To Do When There Are Too Many Doilies
I'll get straight to the point. My crazy wife is a nutjob! She's ruining our lives! Since Brexit in 2016 we've taken on a more patriotic life stance, selling our souls to the Conservative government and selling our soles to the local shoe shop (just trying to make a joke there to lighten the tone before the heavy stuff). Now onto the heavy stuff. Part of our new patriotic identity is to own lots of British stuff. I went out and bought a Ford. Turned out that's American so I traded it for a Jaguar. The wife got a haircut like Cher, but it turns out she's American an all so then she did her hair like Katy Perry. But she's American as well and so the wife gave up and shaved her hair off like a true proper British skinhead football hooligan. I've never been so proud in all my life to associate with a bird! That was the peak. Then it all went downhill when the wife started getting doilies in. You know, those [expletive deleted] ornamental... mats or whatever they are! She's gone mental! First it was a pack of three. I didn't have any real concerns at that point, I just figured, "Huh... the wife's bought some doilies. Good! That's dead British!" Then the next day it was a pack of six. I thought, "Huh, more doilies! Turning into a bit of a doily factory here isn't it!" And I had a proper chortle about my witty joke. The day after and it was another pack of six and I was all, "What's with all the bloody doilies!?" Then the next day she came in with a pack of 12 doilies. By then it was a total of 27 doilies! Alarm bells were starting to go off here because I thought, "No one, realistically, based on logical thought, needs that many doilies at any given time." Being clever like that, deducing things. Well the next day the wife did the weekly big shop and Jesus H Christ almighty did she put the fear of Marxism into me! She came home with a £5.99 white pack of 250 round doilies... "Woman!" I shouted at her, "I've chalked that up as over £20 on doilies this month, what are you playing at!?" She snapped back at me, "Well you spend £150 a month on beer!" And well that was when I confronted her, I said to her, "Listen, Maureen, you need to cut this out now or I'm going to the cops." And that's when I knew she'd lost her marbles, because she said back to me, "Call the cops? Over some doilies? Simon, you really are a silly old fool! What are they going to do, arrest me for wanting stain-free table tops?" And she laughed at that and I went red in the face and shouted, "WHAT'S WITH ALL THE GODDAMN DOILIES, YOU INSANE BITCH!?" And she looked a bit shocked. Anyway, long story short it's three weeks later and she's not said a word to me. And the doilies she's bought haven't been used. 21 doilies at over £20 just sitting in the cupboard doing nothing. I'd take them back for a refund but I don't want to be seen in public with that many doilies. I mentioned this all to me best mate, Kev, and he said his missus once bought 12 hand crochet craft doilies with pastel rainbow colours at the cost of £13. I was taking a gulp of beer when he landed that bombshell and I spat a gobfull out all over the floor in shock. I asked him what he did about that and Kev said he thought about divorcing her, then maybe putting her in an insane asylum, and he even admitted he'd thought about smacking her around the head with a cricket bat. In the end he said he "saw sense" and just let her put the doilies around the home. He says he's not quite been the same ever since. My God... what the hell do I do to avoid this nightmare? Ta mate, Simon
Hi Simon. Based on your message, we can tell you’re a highly intelligent and analytical individual capable of determining the quantity of doilies relating to a nefarious outcome.
We don’t think you need to turn to us for advice.
As such, we suggest you figure this one out for yourself. Our one and only suggestion is you invent an anti-doily gun to shoot those bastards down with.
A vacuum cleaner may also suffice. Suck those things up, cordon off your property with barbed wire, and ensure a 24/7 anti-doily zone.
You may need to bring the British army in to maintain high standards. They’ll be able to blast down any doily within a 50 mile radius. All the best!
Such a brute that Simon, Kev too. What would a cup of tea in a dainty China cup be without a doily? Barbaric!
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To lighten the tone, I’m going to tell a joke. Brace yourself!
A dainty China cup and a doily walk into a bar. The bartender asks? “Oi oi! What do you want?” And then a bull enters the bar and thinks it’s in a China shop and goes on an insane rampage. Bah dum tish!
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OMG! Knee slapper that one! We should go on the road, is vaudeville still alive?
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Did I mention the doily was also shot with an animal tranquilizer? It was supposed to be for the bull, but the shooter was drunk.
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I’m knitting doilies in my spare time. One box of ten for 30.00$. Maybe that seems a lot but consider the time and yarn.
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Just remember – a doily is for life, not just Christmas.
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Eww, now I get it. Lol.
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You Americans always think the worst!
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We are the worst. We are the ugly Americans, don’t try to take that away from us.
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Could you make your hair into a doily? That’d be cool.
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So cool. I could sell it by the yard , people love hair doilies.
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Resa has a lot of hair as well, you two should go into business together.
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We can ck with Resa. Would you like some doilies? Christmas is coming up.
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Guess we’ll have to wait for her to turn up. Huh. Now we have to make idle chitchat until then. I don’t like small talk… cold for this time of year, is not it?
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Whistles…shuffles feet… looks at the ground. Yeah, seen Resa lately?
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No, she lives in Canada. What do you think I have, a TELEPORTATION device!??!?!?
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No comment.
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Awww… don’t lump yourself in with the unvaccinated! You’re beautiful. I used to make doilies constantly. I would crochet on the bus, in line-ups, watching the “telly” (see Resa be British on ‘Oron’s blog)
They are lovely things. I’ve also made LONG table runners, which is what I suggest we wear on our heads if we sell our tresses for hair doilies. That way our doilies would hang past our shoulders. It could actually look very cool!
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(crocheting… doilies are crocheted…)
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Croquet?
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Mmmm…. similar. After all croquet is done with a mallet, wooden balls, wire wickets and on a lawn.
Crocheting is done with a metal hook, fingers, yarn and can be done anywhere, even on a lawn.
The lawn was the cincher!
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Ok, I understand, so crochet is like croquet, but it just doesn’t involve a lawn? Gotcha. Also, what’s a cincher?
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My knees killing me from all the slapping!
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You have to be from Alabama to really enjoy knee slappers. 👨🌾
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What if you don’t have any knees?
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That’s when the Yee Haw happens.
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Is a yee haw like a seesaw?
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It’s the rebel call a of red neck whose been suddenly dropped from the high end of a seesaw. Oh god, I have to go have my tea, pinky aloft.
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I drift in and out of doing the pinky thing. Guess it depends on how sophisticated I feel on any given day.
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Ahh, all that slapping hurts! xoxoxoxoxo
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I can hear it all the way down here. A few yee haws too !
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Hee Haw!!!
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There it is! Music to my ears!
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xoxoxoxo
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😂
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xoxoxo
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Weaving hair doilies can take awhile. Maybe it’s not such a great plan. Doilies are sweet with tea cups, one must remember to hold the little finger out and refrain from cursing.
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One of my most successful posts on this blog is about why he hold a pinky aloft when sipping tea. Goes well with doilies.
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That’s totally British. We get beat up here for that.
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It’s not exactly encouraged in England, although the upper classes do it anyway. TOFFS!!!
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Would the Royals mind if I picnic in Windsor Rose 🌹 garden? Will you put a word in for me?
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YES THEY WOULD!! Sorry, but NO RIFF-RAFF! Unless you’re connected to a Royal in some way, you’ll have to make do with a pub and some fish & chips.
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I happened to be connected with the Royal Bikers of South Florida. Tell them.
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Oh yeah? Well, I happen to be connected to the internet while typing this. So there.
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Then you’re too busy ?
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Too busy for what? Doilies? Never!!
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Enjoy your doilies. That do make a house a home.
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Slippers. They make a house a home.
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Nothing like comfy slippers.
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