Sometimes aliens get lonely in the vast expanse of the universe. As such, they go on “the alien pull” to bag some hot thing from across the cosmos.
Which reminds us of our alien dating column from a while back.
But this time out, one of them made it to Earth and hoiked a proper lovely sort off the street on a lovely date. Here’s how it all went down!
Alien Abduction Diary #7: Dave Smith, 19, Bolton of Greater Manchester
Mr. Smith is a shelf stacker at a discount supermarket in Bolton.
After a finishing his shift at 6pm on 1st July, 2021, he walked outside the building and was zapped into a candlelit spaceship with a slobbering monstrosity of an alien in a tuxedo.
The monstrous being introduced himself as Blob Lord and smiled, with several litres of slime oozing from the sides of its mouth as it did so.
Mr. Smith confirms he greeted the alien with a greeting of, “O’reet, mate?”
The alien then gestured to Mr. Smith to be seated at a table, where a hors d’oeuvres of space rocks marinated in alien slime were waiting.
The pair then indulged in a romantic candlelit dinner during which Blob Lord began to make marked flirtatious advances on Mr. Smith. Some of the chat up lines in evidence included:
- “If I promise not to shred you limb from limb, can we mate tonight?”
- “You’re a beautiful human female, mister Dave Smith, the human males most be queuing up to gestate within your orifices.”
- “On our planet, these rotting mandibles [the main course] are considered an aphrodisiac.”
- *wheezing and dribbling*
It soon became clear the alien’s primary flirting strategy was to wheeze and dribble vast quantities of slime, which soon flooded the table and caused much instability with the surrounding candles.
Mr. Smith noted it was difficult to enjoy his free meal with such colossal volumes of “gross shit” around him, but “soldiered on” anyway.
The romantic dinner ended with Mr. Smith almost drowning in alien dribble, with Blob Lord having to grab Mr. Smith and swim to safety on a higher level of the spacecraft.
After successfully resuscitating Mr. Smith, Blob Lord then asked for his number.
Mr. Smith has confirmed he has agreed to a second date as he wants another free meal, but plans to let the alien down lightly after “five or six dates”.
Type of Aliens
This specific alien can be bracketed into the “humaniser” category, in that it’s trying to get its end away with humans.
In terms of its appearance, the monster is, according to Mr. Smith, quite despicable to behold. But otherwise charming.
The most evident characteristic of its species remains with the sheer volume of drool it produces from its mouth, which Mr. Smith indicated “stank bad” and made him feel queasy.
Otherwise, the food “was good” and just below the level of a McDonald’s.
Alien Threat Level Rating
As of yet, we haven’t seen any signs of dangerous intentions from the alien or its species.
It appears to simply be lonely and trying it on with whatever beings it comes across over the universe. Based on its actions so far, it’s more of a softboi than anything else.
However, before going to press with this report Mr. Smith contacted us to provide an update.
He believes the alien dribble to be a type of inseminating matter and Mr. Smith believes he was impregnated with alien babies.
We immediately visited his squalid flat in Bolton to determine what was going on.
There we found his feet had detached from his body and were sprinting around the flat squealing, drooling everywhere, and screeching at high-pitched volume.
As we can’t stand children, we promptly left the property to leave Mr. Smith to it.
The last we heard from him, he told us he’s contacted Bolton County Council to pursue child support from Blob Lord (who’s since gone AWOL).
Alien Abduction Experience
Mr. Smith confirmed he wasn’t best pleased with what developed, with his free meal plan resulting in two unwanted pregnancies.
We believe this merely stands as a reminder to carry pepper spray with you at all times.
You never quite know when alien monstrosities will appear to force themselves upon you. Sometimes it’s just best to spray them and leg it.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Having observed and investigated this alien abduction closely, we can confirm it was another example of the alien threat over Earth.
We remind you all to steer clear of anyone (alien or otherwise) who drools at over a litre an hour. This should be a red flag to any sensible human.
Sadly for Mr. Smith, he ignored such elementary concerns and has paid the consequences for his actions.
He must spend the rest of his life rearing his feet and integrating them with a British society more tolerant towards hands.