Agony Aunt: “Why is my wife addicted to wearing lipstick?”

A woman admiring her lipstick in a mirror
“If anyone tries to take my lipstick from me I shall STAB them with this lipstick!”

Some human females indulge in what is called “makeup”. This has nothing to do with make believe, such as pretending to have a tea party or some such.

No, it’s about covering one’s face in expensive cosmetics such as various powders and sticks of red stuff. It’s so they can do duck lips poses and all that.

This is important for human females. As such, some can become obsessed with the activity to the detriment of a marriage to a human male. Such as with today’s poor, beleaguered soul.

Lipstick Addiction (and its effect on marriage)

All right? Okay, so my wife has this thing about lipstick. And I know lots of other wives (not mine, I only have one) like wearing lipstick and lots of women in general wear lipstick. 

I don't know why, myself. It's like putting paint on your lips. Why not just use paint? Why not get a discount bucket of paint from the local DIY shop and just dab that on your lips? Such a stupid waste of money otherwise and what for? Who even looks at lips on women these days? Noses are far more interesting I think, but women don't smear lipstick (or nosestick) over their noses, do they? Stupid societal norms!

Anyway, sorry I'm ranting on a tangent. It's just the wife. She's spent £500 on lipstick this year and is always eyeing herself up in the mirror with this bloody (not literally) red lipstick. 

I said to her, "Babe, what you doin'? Why you waste so much of our money on that crap? I'm the main breadwinner here, babe."

And then she reminded me I work as a shed builder and earn £20,000 less than she does in her job as a marketing manager. And I told her she's always chatting nonsense and she just laughed at me and then, as if to spite me, ordered a Hermes 64 Rouge Casaque Satin Lipstick online. £200! But with free delivery. So that's okay. 

Well whatever, I mean she just orders this lipstick, powder, perfume and other stuff and she transforms from this normal looking woman into something that's like an ambling neon storefront sign. But some guys love it, yelling "Wahey, darlin'!" and "Oi oi, you tart!" at her in the street and she laps up the attention.

This isn't the woman I married. She used to just buy one stick of lipstick and wear it every now and again. Now she's in her 40s and it's lipstick, lipstick, lip-bloody-stick. What gives? 

I'm not saying I'm going to divorce her or anything, just more that I'll have to put my manly foot down and demand she show some respect and stop wearing so much lipstick.

Come to think of it now, I guess that sort of sounds a bit aggressive and why shouldn't she stop wearing lipstick... can you help me think of reasons why? My argument is falling a bit flat. Cheers, Kevin

Hi, Kevin. You should think of lipstick as a type of magic wand. Human females wave the wand and, thus, their face becomes a beacon of glory.

Psychologically, your wife’s lipstick represents her power over you.

You resent this as a human male, seeing as you can’t even use lipstick and probably can’t even afford a £200 Hermes 64 Rouge Casaque Satin Lipstick.

There’s only one thing for it! You can either become a drag queen or get a sex change operation. We suggest the former, with a few tips below.

How to Become a Drag Queen (so you can save your marriage)

This film. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Watch it, Kevin, it’s a lifeline to keeping your marriage alive.

Not only will it teach you important lessons on using lipstick and makeup, but it’ll empower you to own that Hermes 64 Rouge Casaque Satin Lipstick (or at least steal some from your wife).

Why? Well, if your wife is so obsessed with the stuff then why not join in with her hobby?

She may be weirded out and distance herself from you enormously. Or she may embrace the moment and you can enjoy a happy marriage as you champion the lipstick cause.

We hope for the latter, Kevin, we really do. Best of luck with your crossdressing efforts.

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