Gorgonzola at Work: Employment Laws on Veined Blue Cheese

Gorgonzola cheese next to a pear
Gorgonzola can cause some employees to spontaneously combust.

It’s good business practice to ensure your business’ cheese-based policies are insightful enough to cover the issue of gorgonzola.

The blue veined cheese can prove tumultuous in workplace environments, disgusting some whilst delighting others. Truly, it is as divisive as eating apples at work.

As such, it’s important to understand your business’ standing when it comes to gorgonzola, cheese, and blue veined dairy. Read on for more details.

The Essential Gorgonzola Employment Laws to Understand

Gorgonzola at work is covered by the Gorgonzola at Work Act 1972.

There was the Gorgonzola at Work Act 1971, but the Gorgonzola Equality Act 1971 ruled it insufficient and the verdict was it offended other cheeses and, under The Dairy at Work Act 1972, the clarification of gorgonzola solved various dairy-based issues.

One of which was the basis of the blue veins in gorgonzola, which are qualified under the Blue Veins in Cheese at Work Act 1972. On page 773, section 2 (a), it states:

“Blue veins in cheese are commonplace and nothing to lose your shit about. Please remain calm. It is cheese. Not angry bees.”

However, due to the Angry Bees at Work Act 1972, this caused ructions with the angry beekeeper community and employers.

Under the Beekeeping at Work Act 1972 and the Keeping Bees at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 1974, bees at work directly influence cheese.

As such, the Cheese-Based Beekeeping Act 2002 was created to complement the existing Gorgonzola at Work Act 1971 and the Bees and Cheese at the Workplace Act 2010. On page 334, section (z), it states:

“The real question pertaining to bees and cheese at work is honey and its use with any cheese-based foodstuffs. It is one of the great questions of our time. Does one put honey on cheese? The various Acts leave this an open-ended question from which employers can make their own decisions. However, do note that you run the risk of rioting and/or strikes should your workplace canteen stock cheese near to honey (and/or some merger of the two, for example in a sandwich together).”

In Q3 2021, it was noted there were some 31 cases of workplace riots caused specifically due to gorgonzola, whilst there were a further 13 riots (and 12 strikes) as a consequence of honey being present in the cheese’s company.

As such, it’s good business practice to establish a sound policy to ensure your employees don’t try to rip each other limb from limb in the name of cheese.

However, you probably have enough policies already.

As such, we recommend you put in place anti-rioting measures to crush down with draconian might on any freeloading staff members.

How to Quash Gorgonzola Riots at Work

Rioting in the name of cheese can begin with a strongly worded letter to management, followed by much shouting, bellowing, and trashing of company property.

You must act quickly to control a riot, although it’s wise to rely on non-lethal weapons to do so. This can include firing the likes of the following at employees:

  • CS gas.
  • Long range acoustic devices.
  • Plastic bullets.
  • Pepper sprays.
  • Rubber bullets.
  • Water cannons.
  • Pellet guns.
  • Electric tasers.

You should also arm security guards with bayonets and batons to violently club staff around the head with.

However, we primarily recommend you use a mixture of water cannons, CS gas, and rubber bullets.

You may also wish to remind employees that, should they riot due to gorgonzolathey won’t receive their end of year bonuses. This often has the remarkable effect of ending riots and bedlam in mere seconds.

During such moments of sudden refrain, seize the opportunity to baton the employees mercilessly and demote them all to more junior positions.

You may want to take things a step further here and hobble them all Misery style. To teach them all a lesson, you know? Vagabonds!

Are There Any Safe Cheeses For The Workplace?

Many cheeses are extremely dangerous as they provoke violent reactions from individuals at work. Gorgonzola is one of the worst offenders.

It’s not uncommon to endure colleagues decapitating each other over a gorgonzola-based row.

This means you should encourage more workplace-friendly cheeses and dairy products, such as:

  • Mozzarella.
  • Cheddar.
  • Brie.
  • Emmentaler.
  • Stringy cheese.

In the last 30 years of recorded records, there have only been 45 instances of workplace-based death due to the combined cheeses listed above.

As such, these represent your best bet for allowing cheese into your workplace.

Just make sure it isn’t gorgonzola! In fact, it’s good business practice to have a “on pain of death” policy against any cheese with veins in it.

When billions are at stake, the last thing you need is an in the red Q4 as your employees are too busy stabbing each other because of gorgonzola!

So, ensure they’re preoccupied with brie to max out your profit margins.

5 comments

  1. hi, what was it about the early Seventies when these great statesmen (and women) were pushing through all this vital legislation?

    ________________________________

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah, but what about Dolcelatte?
    And what about Cambazola? My local supermarket was out of Cambazola for several days during the recent shortages… (Not that I eat it. I just noticed the empty shelves and thought, “I wonder what used to be there…?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dolcelatte and Cambozola are contained within the Blue Veins in Cheese at Work Act 1972, but also have separate Acts to cover employer requirements. For instance, it’s a crime in certain areas of the UK to simply pronounce “Cambozola” at work. The punishment is 50 lashings with stringy cheese. I’ll get to those Acts at a later date, thank you for your patience.

      Like

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