Agony Aunt: “Wallpaper choices are destroying my marriage!”

A bedroom with brown wallpaper
“You said, ‘Let’s get diarrhoea brown wallpaper, darling! It’ll look great!’ You IDIOT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID MAN FEET!”

What’s the leading cause of failed relationships around the world? That’s right! Arguments about what type of wallpaper to buy.

Couples can rarely agree and this can take a severe strain on relationships, creating arguments and opportunity for bitter acrimony.

Recently we helped a husband with a doily mad wife overcome their marital hell. And. Here’s how to stop wallpaper (from happening).

Being Wary of Wallpaper

Dear Agony Aunt. I'm at that stage in life where what wallpaper you get is really important but also causes lots of intermarital arguments.

My husband (Derek) and I are deeply in love. Even despite his embarrassing name. Yet his wallpaper preferences leave a lot to be desired.

It started a few months ago when we finally moved into our first home. He promised to "Surprise me!" with a "beautiful and moving" design for the bedroom. I was so excited to get back from work that day! I rushed up to the bedroom and there was this bizarre Thomas the Tank Engine design. "Do you like it!?" He asked with a coy grin on his face.

Later, in the hospital, after the doctor had set his broken nose, I asked my husband what he thought he was playing at. He said he thought the wallpaper would be "great for our sons". I told him we don't have any sons... or kids! He said something like, "I know, but we're going to have sons one day." And I screamed at him, "NO WE'RE NOT, WE'RE HAVING DAUGHTERS!" And he became enraged and roared, "THERE'S NO WAY I'M HAVING BARBIE WALLPAPER IN MY HOUSE!" And the way he intoned on "MY HOUSE" really made me very angry. "YOUR HOUSE!?" I screeched at him. "YOUR HOUSE!? It is MY HOUSE AS WELL!!!" 

Anyway, this went on for ages. The screaming, roaring argument right there in the hospital ward, with the nurses having to call security in when we became so violent. I broke his nose again and tore some hair from his scalp. 

Over the next month things became very strained as we'd often be quite violent with each other because of our wallpaper choices. I wanted a nice beige for the living room, he wanted "vomit yellow". He actually said, "The living room needs a vibrant vomit yellow wallpaper." Right to the shop assistant's face, who gave him this weird look. "I know, I don't know why I married him either!" I got in with that snide remark and Derek turned to me and said, "Shut up!" And I said to the shop assistant, "Look what I have to deal with!" And that episode ended with me trying to amputate his arms with the shop assistant's name badge. 

Then there was the bathroom... grief. The bathroom wallpaper. In the end we had to just paint it blue, because we didn't sleep for days whilst screaming furiously about the wallpaper. The neighbours called the police out on us for a domestic disturbance. Derek wanted brown. Can you imagine!? Can you imagine what I have to deal with, each day, knowing my husband doesn't have the wherewithal to understand why that would be a problem. 

Dinner guests coming round and going in there, wondering if we're just stupid or mocking them. It's not on. 

And then we had his man cave, in which he had full control over his wallpaper choice and went with... Nickelback. I didn't even ask about that one. 

But everything came to a head with the kitchen, because he wanted "a type of gangrenous green and black." I demanded to know why and he snapped back, "Because it'll match the quality of your cooking!" I gasped and took a moment to gather myself. Then I screamed at him, "YOU SAID YOU LIKED MY TURNIP TARTIFLETTE WITH CONFIT OF SALMON!" He scoffed at me and roared, "I LIED!" Well, needless to say I broke his legs with a rolling pin. I was then going to ram the whisk up his nostrils but it didn't fit. Plus, his pathetic sobbing made me feel a bit sorry for him, to be honest. 

Ultimately, the NHS put a ban on us and now refuses to attend to our wounds as we're always injured. We've had to go to private healthcare places. It's costing us a fortune!

Just as bad, it appears our marriage is failing as we haven't spoken to each other in a week and I, quite frankly, can't stand the sight of the bastard. What should we do? Yours, Grogda

Grogda. We’re getting SICK and TIRED of hearing you couples whinging about this and that. It’s just some bloody wallpaper!

The only way you can escape this problem is if you either:

  • Go and live in a wooden cabin in the woods (like Nic Cage in Pig).
  • Embrace homelessness.
  • Go and live in a tent.

Three terrific options that remove wallpaper from your life. Otherwise, maybe just have NO wallpaper!? There’s an epiphany for you!

Now, COME BACK NEXT TIME when you have a proper problem, you silly billy!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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