Agony Aunt: “My husband has a man cave and it’s gross!”

A man in a man cave
Manspace.

The man cave (also called a manspace—like in Gogs) is an area for a man to be a man. It’s a phenomenon that often sees a male, in a marriage, dedicating one room in a home to man stuff.

This state of affairs often exasperates the human female associated with a man cave male. Such as today’s broad, who needs assistance with dealing with a manspace.

Dealing With Your Husband’s Man Cave

Dear agony aunt. I'm Jess. My husband Roger and I recently moved into a new home and it has a spare bedroom. I wanted to turn this into a yoga room so I can practice my yoga. But Roger just told me I was a "really stupid cow" to think that was a good idea and instead turned it into a man cave. 

I tried to resist this for some time and began moving his bloke stuff (beer crates, an old engine he found in a local tip, vats of oil in crates etc.) into the garage. But he just kept moving them back into the man cave and within a month the situation was totally out of control. 

Now he's got a dead deer carcass in there (I've no idea where that came from, we live just outside Birmingham and there's no woodland around), three old motor engines from vehicles, hundreds of crates of petrol and oil, dozens of empty beer cans, dozens of full beer crates, and loads of top shelf magazines strewn about the place full of naked ladies.

Well, I must protest about all of this. And I did! I said his man cave was stupid. He's a 40 year-old-man!

But it all fell on deaf ears (he is, admittedly, deaf in his left ear) and he wants to build an extension on the house next to his man cave. He says he wants an entire man cave system. A cavern, if you will, with multiple rooms linked together. 

He says he wants a lion, and tiger in there, plus an elephant covered in wool (a woolly mammoth I guess). He's started dressing in basic cave man garb and in the last few days has begun communicating only in grunts. "Ug!" is his favourite word now. He wants to go back to a "pure" pre-historic lifestyle of hunting and gathering. To get things started he lit a campfire in his man cave and almost burned our home down!

In the last week he starting carrying a giant wooden club around and hangs out in his man cave all day. 

He's been fired from his job. He's an outcast. And his mother has called him a "very foolish boy". 

I've warned him he needs to snap out of it or I'll divorce him. But he broke character for a moment to call me a "sadistic, psychotic bitch!" What is going on!? He seems convinced he's fulfilling his role in society as a "real man", but he's covered in mud, smells bad, and is listless and meandering. Is this a mid-life crisis? Help! Yours, Jess.

Hi Jess. A man cave is like a man’s hairy chest. It is his realm. And he will use it to exert his manliness on the four walls and ceiling surrounding his stuff.

Think of it as a private holiday destination. Lanzarote, if you will, just in a room that quickly becomes overrun with dust, old spider webs, and BO.

Your husband has a particularly extreme case of this issue. It’s a severe degeneration into what is known as “pre-historic hypermasculinity“. The main signs and symptoms of this condition include:

  • Personal disintegration into an anachronistic lifestyle.
  • Faltering communication standards.
  • Disastrous personal hygiene.
  • The  personal desire to hunt game with a wooden club.
  • Developing a persona around an ancient cave man under the belief this is in some way just.
  • Stinking great big man feet.

It appears your husband has succumbed to almost all of these issues. This is likely due to overdosing on hypermasculinity to the extent he’s regressed into a lifestyle that is no longer necessary.

Thankfully, there are now Man Cave Clinics in most developed countries.

You can sign him up to such a clinic. When there, he’ll face hours of intensive therapy and persuasion through the luxuries of modern living.

He’ll have beer offered to him and encouragement to shout abuse at opposing fans during sporting events.

Over time, this should snap him out of his reverie. Best of luck, Jess!

7 comments

  1. I’d spike his beer. Then when he’s knocked out, drag him to the car on an old blanket. With effort, hoist him into the back seat! Throw in his club. Drive out to an area in the country, where there are caves. Dump him by a cave. Set club in his hand. When he wakes up, he will think this is his home!

    Liked by 1 person

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