Agony Aunt: “Is my husband a giant lizard?!”

Godzilla rampaging through the countryside
“My husband, John, enjoys a spot of fishing at the weekends.”

You’ve no doubt heard of the Flat Earth theory. Well, there’s also a reptilian conspiracy theory where reptoids (lizard people) are hidden in society.

And today’s human female believes her husband (a human male) is a human male lizard. Is she insane? Or does she have a point? Let’s find out!

How to Tell If Your Husband is Really a Giant Reptiloid

Dear Agony Aunt. I have of late come to believe my husband of 10 years (Derek) is in fact not a doting husband, father, and positive community spirit. Instead, I believe he's a shapeshifting reptilian alien looking to control the Earth. 

Why do I believe this? Well, a few subtle hints here and there that only someone with such a sharp intelligence as I could note.

He's started watching loads of Godzilla movies. Like he watches them repeatedly and even likes that 1998 one everyone else hates because Matthew Broderick is in it. 

He also bought some lizard footwear, keeps listening to Crocodile Shoes by Jimmy Nail, and has asked me to refer to him as the "Lizard King" when we're in the, you know, bedroom. 

I've refused to do that and he's upset about it. I told him to "Man up!" and he said, "Maybe I'll LIZARD up!" And laughed.

That's when I realised he's a reptoid and part of the lizard people. I now fear for my life and that of Steven, our pet Chihuahua. 

What should I do? Report my husband to the Men in Black, "bump him off", or just flat out divorce him? Yours, Sophie

Hi Sophie. Just to note, you really shouldn’t have sent your rant into our agony aunt. No, we have an entire alien abduction section to help you deal with such issues (see the likes of Hustling Aliens Out to Sell Goods).

However, seeing as you’re here and we have pity for your plight, we’ll help you out.

Realising your spouse is, in fact, a giant lizard is difficult for many people to process. And the kneejerk reaction is often to either:

  • Murder the spouse/lizard.
  • Divorce them.
  • Get the authorities involved.

We note you’ve already contemplated all three of these options. However, we believe you’re missing an all-important fourth option.

And that’s to JOIN the reptoids in their glorious battle and help them to take over the Universe. Mwaahahahahaaaa!

How to Join the Reptilian Elite

Sophie, we suggest you join your husband on his mission to take over the world. Do it for the good of your marriage and your pet Chihuahua.

Think of Morbo from Futurama and what a charismatic overlord he would be to human society. That could be your husband!

To approach this, you need to out Derek carefully.

We suggest holding a romantic candlelit dinner, but populating the environment with lizard-friendly things. Such as:

  • Swarms of bugs buzzing around the dining room.
  • A blow up Godzilla doll.
  • An open terrarium in the corner of the room he can climb into should he become startled.
  • Branches and vines for him to scale during romantic conversation.
  • Part of a building he can destroy in a fit of rage and/or macho bravado.

During the romantic candlelit dinner, let him know you know he’s a lizard overlord and you’re happy to support his endeavours.

He should then let out a piercing snarl and flap his massive lizard tongue about the place in a show of joy and/or demented fury.

You can then retire for the evening to watch Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, safe in the knowledge hubby and you are set for life. Best of luck, Sophie!

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