For sure, chopsticks are the best way to eat food. That’s why we decided to go one better and invent an eating implement for all ages.
Because chopsticks are so gosh darned fiddly, aren’t they? You can’t get your ruddy fingers around the things any day of the week.
But with chainsaw chopsticks, you’ve got a hypermasculine alternative that’ll put hair on your eyebrows!
The Most Dangerous Chopsticks in the World
After you’ve read the joys of Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers, you may feel inclined to inject more chainsaws into your life.
If you’re a restaurant, you’ll want to liven up your tedious dining service. What looks better for your business?
- Diners sitting quietly eating noodles/sushi with wood chopsticks, drearily reeling off mundane conversation as everyone is safe, secure, and utterly pathetic in their la-di-da little world of precautions?
- Diners revving up chainsaw chopsticks AND SHOUTING OVER THE PELTING DIN TO MAKE PROPER CONVERSATION ABOUT LOUD STUFF THAT MATTERS WHILST EATING SUSHI LIKE A GODDAMN HERO!?
Exactly! You need chainsaw chopsticks. Or are you seriously trying to argue this type of thing isn’t what fine dining is all about?!
We can guarantee your restaurant will become the talk of the town the moment you ditch rubbish old chopsticks for cutting edge Husqvarna Prime K7000 Chain High Frequency Chainsaw.
Chainsaws are ideal for the removal of small and medium-sized trees and can easily cleave a grown man in two!
This makes slicing through sushi a doddle and noodles don’t stand a chance! Our chainsaw chopsticks have a thunderous, petrol-driven high chain speed and brutally smooth cutting.
And in the event a customer accidentally slips and drives the chainsaw chopsticks into a waiter’s chest, breaking a chain in the process, you can return the contraption to our premises for a COMPLETELY FREE replacement*.
You can also hire a replacement human being for your former employee!
*Disclaimer: At the cost of only £300. You must be able to prove the customer accidentally decapitated your employee. If it was premeditated murder, then no refund will be forthcoming. Furthermore, you will be reported to the local authorities to have the matter resolved in court. We are not liable to cover your legal fees.
How Chainsaw Chopsticks Work
Nothing says “family-friendly dining” quite like a restaurant packed out with guests wielding chainsaw chopsticks!
Upon serving food to your customers, they can grab hold of the contraption, fire up their chainsaw chopsticks, and get stuck in!
You’ll soon agree, there’s nothing quite like seeing a family of four screaming conversation whilst delicately manoeuvring fresh food into their faces with life-threatening blades mere inches from essential arteries.
Restaurant clogging up with the putrid stench of petrol fumes? No problem! Crack open a window or two to get all that smog out!
Guests drunkenly engaging in battle with the chainsaw chopsticks? Simply call local law enforcement and have them arrested!
Fuddy-duddy old timers saying they’d just like a fork and knife?! Chuck them out of your establishment and into the street! Their kind aren’t welcome here!
BEST OF ALL!? We’ve got an EXTRA SPECIAL deal for our first time customers! Simply enter the code DECAPITATION2021 at checkout for -1% off the asking price!
That’s right, you pay us +1% on top of the £300 cost. It’s the deal of the century!
Lol, chainsaw chop sticks will help us to get in and out of restaurants in a hurry as any sensible person would want to do these days.
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Here’s a fantastic joke! What did one chainsaw say to the other chainsaw after a night of chainsawing stuff? “Your chain looks a little sore!!!”
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A little Thor…from the Game of Thrones. Yeah!!! 😊
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Oh, now I get li, that’s hysterical.
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Patented that one, aye! Joke of the Year! 👍
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A knee slapper for sure.
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Here’s another one! What did the chainsaw say to the saw? “Let’s watch all the Saw movies!!!” 🍿
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Hahahaha ! I cannot stop laughing. You know I hate that.
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Plenty more where they came from! I should do a Joke a Day Calendar.
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Excellent … we need that.
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Explain it to me! I would think the punchline would have something to do with sawdust.
I’m still trying to figure out how to hold 2 chainsaws in the manner of chopsticks.
This is quite radical. I’m thinking of entering ‘Oron in the 2022 Cainsaw Revving Contest! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGu8dM9ccg4
He could do a sculpture of Santa!
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Dang it, I should have known there’d be something like that! What with the World Sauna Championship and others. I must do something on that ASAP.
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I hope you win!!!!!
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Win what? Canada? That’d be cool!
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No… a pair of chopsticks that you get to make into artistic carvings with your chainsaw! Silly goose!
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I happen to believe chainsaws are as delicate as artistic ornaments and should be celebrated so.
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Let’s do. He needs to practice with the chainsaw though. Ice would be a good starter medium. The grand prize is a trip to Chernobyl.
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Hahaha! He’s already been there! LOLOL
Let’s make the grand prize a trip to Siberia! Lots of good chainsawing ice up there!
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I hear it’s hot in Siberia…climate change. 😊
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It’s hot here, too.
The heat dome fried us last summer. Crop output is down 35%. The bread basket of the world is becoming the one loaf on earth.
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It’s very disturbing. We didn’t have the really high temps here this past summer. So many fires, floods and weather disasters. Eek.
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Right, so you’re disturbed. Think about how disturbed I am when I saw my forehead shining in lights. When I had hair, I could hide that! Now it’s like my Jason Statham status only goes beyond human females who don’t mind dimmed lights.
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Heavens, did you do the comb over! No, be proud hairs not everything. It’s personality ( she said with 6 feet of hair blowing in th wind.)
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NO! I went, “Bugger me! The hair… it be going!” Then I set fire to everything and got my bazooka… oh, hang on a second. That’s Santa. Rest assured! That’s Santa.
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Well, you’re very cute. Santa too. I’m just sucking up.
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I’m single enough to like that. I am Jason Statham
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I knew it! Jason impersonating ‘Oron. I’m never wrong.
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Yeah but, Statham is super handsome. I would date that. Watch The Meg. Oh yeah! Shaved head guys all the way!
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Well he’s not my type. Too macho. The Meg… I’ll get back in that one
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The Meg 2 is on the way. You’ll enjoy that. Maybe. Do you like sharks?
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I an deathly afraid of sharks. I do like scary shark movies.
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The Meg is for you. Jason Statham. Handsome guy. Shark. Big screen. Shark. Statham. Bald guy with stubble. Shark. Perfect movie for you!
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We will see.
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We shall sea shells.
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We shall see sharks
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Oi oi, darlin’!
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Aye Matey!
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Oh bloody hell, now Toronto is “cold” and I had my hat on today to protect my shaved head and what I have to say is… I don’t know. I can’t remember. Kudos on the sunburn!
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Thanks!!!!
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You smell bad. And that means I would like to interview you! But please be in the 1% of people who don’t smell bad. Which is me. Ok, let me think through the logic! This may take a while!
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I’m in the 1% not smelling…we’ll everyone has a smell right, good or bad there’s a scent. Omg, it’s come to this. Kill me.
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Look, you live in Florida! That heat must mean everyone stinks 24/7. Embrace!
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Lololol
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More like Lolgic!
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More like roflmaogic!!
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That means you can move to Manchester! T’will be as hot as Miaami… hang on. Myami. Mi… Florida. It’ll be hot like Florida.
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I need SUN, lots of SUN, do you have that in Manchester?
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No. Not at all. It rains a lot. If you judge “sun” as “pelting rain 90% of the year with occasional asides to let people from Florida realise they buggered that one up” Then yes, it suns a lot!
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Hahaha! Manchester here I come with my sunscreen!
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Yeah, that’s fine, just bring your bazooka first. No bazooka? Piss off!
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Im bring bazooka like secret weapons presently stored at the Redstone Arsenal. Prepare yourself.
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Bazookas. Well done, lady!
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Bullied. BULLIED by North Americans. Expect this to go to the UN, I’m appealing this BULLYING!
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Sissy!
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I’m more of a fuddy-duddy.
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Man alive! I have you two HALFWITS on my blog approaching the 10th anniversary of PM. It’s almost like I need your feedback. Or something. Hint.
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We are like a plaque of sorts, very hard to get rid of and once gone you kind of miss it.
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That’s sheds for you. That’s why you never get a shed.
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I had a shed once , those were the affluent years. Sigh.
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