As you all know, after Santa’s Christmas Day 2021 the big bearded one retired for the year to bask in his glorious accomplishments.

Unfortunately, instead of being able to do so, Santa Claus was abducted by aliens! Thankfully, he’s safely back with us. But this is his moving, poignant, terrible, harrowing story.

Alien Abduction Diary #9: Santa Claus, Age Unknown, the North Pole

Mr. Claus explained he spent the morning of the fateful day vomiting due to a hangover, drinking heavily, detonating things, and assaulting members of staff.

He says he has no recollection of the hours 9am through to 1pm, only that at some stage during that time the aliens abducted him. Mr. Claus told us:

“I woke up lying strapped to this massive metal bastard. It was like a giant slab. I started bellowing for my bitch wife but no one was responding. To keep myself busy I participated in outraged bellowing, vomiting, and fits of delirium as the alcohol wore off.”

After 12 hours strapped to the “massive metal bastard”, Mr. Claus was startled awake as a nearby door slammed open violently.

Into the room walked several giant human-like invertebrates in the form of a 20ft tapeworm, some clams, and a jellyfish. They were headed by an insect—a giant mosquito who introduced himself as Archibald.

“Archibald said to me they were from a planet seventy nine billion lightyears away and had spent a hundred years travelling to Earth to meet me. They said their planet didn’t have Christmas and they wanted to introduce it to liven their planet’s winter months up.”

Mr. Claus was handed documents by the tapeworm, called Roger, which detailed the travel arrangements across time and space to the alien’s home planet.

Roger informed Mr. Claus that once he stopped shaking so violently due to alcohol and drug withdrawal, he should sign the documents so they could return home.

Mr. Claus then inadvertently vomited over the documents, requiring Roger to alight from the room to print off another version.

Minutes after this, into the room walked a tangible embodiment of the disease gout. This was in the form of a 20ft slab of grey matter. Mr. Claus said:

“Ironically that bastard was called Gout! Of all the coincidences! He knelt over the massive metal bastard where I was sweating and dribbling in withdrawal and started laughing at me. I was outraged and started bellowing the worst insults I could think of.”

It transpires Mr. Claus became so enraged he broke the straps attaching him to the “massive metal bastard” and leapt from it and onto Gout.

What followed was a rudimentary fistfight whereby Mr. Claus “beat the living gout” out of Gout.

“It was pretty cathartic really, having suffered from that bastard for so many years.”

Archibald (the mosquito) and the jellyfish attempted to intervene but were also pummelled by Mr. Claus during the incident.

All three were beaten into a bloody pulp. Once the tapeworm Roger returned to the room, he found the clams cowering in a corner whilst Mr. Claus bellowed obscenities at them.

“Seeing his colleagues slaughtered, that tapeworm REJECTED my DOCUMENTS and said I WASN’T allowed to their home planet!”

Mr. Claus explained he began bellowing furiously and chased the tapeworm about the spaceship.

At some stage during the chase, Mr. Claus was apprehended by “at least fifty five” giant fish fingers and was bundled into an escape module and blasted back to Earth.

Mr. Claus has now filed a lawsuit with the International Court of Appeal to demand the aliens abduct him again and take him to their home planet.

Type of Aliens

Based on Mr. Claus’ descriptions, we can’t gather too much information about them.

They do, however, appear to be very advanced on a technological level and highly sophisticated.

It’s also noteworthy they appear to resemble creatures and diseases from the planet Earth, suggesting life on other planets is likely to resemble ours to a greater extent than we ever expected.

If this is the case, we find the development so poignant in how the universe is tied together by this bond of familiarity. It is most moving.

However, there is the matter that Mr. Claus was going through alcohol and drug withdrawal during his abduction.

And despite his vivid descriptions of events (interspersed with manic forgetfulness, blackouts, and inconsistencies), there’s a possibility he was simply hallucinating.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Very low. If a career alcoholic like Mr. Claus can send them packing, then they don’t stand much chance against a random nationalist lunatic with a thousand atom bombs at their disposal.

Alien Abduction Experience

Once we posed this question to Mr. Claus he began a long tirade, ranting for hours and complementing this with a lengthy email to us with further intricate details.

Most of the email related to his experience in his bathroom on the morning of his abduction, during which time he clogged his toilet three times.

Away from that, Mr. Claus was furious about the abduction and branded it as the “worst experience of my life!”

We then asked him why he’s filed to the International Court of Appeal to get abducted again. He paused for a moment at this point and looked confused. Then he began his usual fit of bellowing and he accused us of being communist spies.

Overall, Mr. Claus rated the abduction a 0/10 and summarised thus, “BASTARD!”

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Mr. Claus provided a heartfelt and detailed account of his alien abduction.

Although we had reservations about his mental state and general candour, his increasingly violent insistence it really happened was enough to convince us of its authenticity.

Thusly, we must again conclude this is further proof of the existence of aliens.

And we must work hard, as a species, to ensure they don’t abduct out most treasured human icons.

If Santa Claus is a target… is anyone safe?

Who could be next? The Easter bunny rabbit? The Tooth Fairy!? Mr. McHenry from The Magic Roundabout!? Be on your guard, fellow humans. We must protect our kind in 2022… and beyond!