Running at Work: How to Slow Employees Down

An employee running at work to meet a timeline
Employees like this are bad news.

It’s natural for your business to always be in a hurry, why else do you think your employees are always punching each other? That’s stress and punches are a great outlet.

But having staff members running and/or sprinting about the working environment can lead to serious health and safety consequences.

As such, it’s essential your business establishes for staff members the speeds with which they can ambulate around your workplace.

The Laws on Running in the Workplace

Let us tell you a story. One time, there was an office apprentice. This individual believed that sprinting down a corridor was a great idea.

This was because the other end of the corridor was on fire.

Thus, the individual did, indeed, sprint down the corridor. Unfortunately, this was just as a certain editor (Mr. Wapojif) emerged from a doorway holding a revving chainsaw.

Alas, the apprentice had failed to remember it was Chainsaw Tuesdays and he lost an arm due to his carelessness.

This common account is a pertinent example as to why it’s essential your business observes The Running at Work Act 1972. Section 12 (a) on page 567 states:

“Employees are legally allowed to run and/or sprint in the workplace. However, doing so presents a serious health hazard. Including risks such as:

  • Sprained ankles.
  • Head trauma.
  • Gammy leg syndrome.
  • Scurvy.
  • Decapitations.

Essentially, and kind of trips, slips, and falls that could result in the employee’s head, for example, slamming violently into an abrupt object.”

As with, for example, maintaining combine harvesters in the office, you need to ensure your employees understand why anything moving above 5mph (including themselves) can result in an annoyed CEO, a demotion, pay cut, and stern expression.

Thus, the Act indicates it’s your duty of care as an employer to slow down your employees.

There are various steps you can take to ensure this is the case, some of which are more legal than others.

How to Slow Down Employees at Work

There are many steps you can take to limit the amount of running in your workplace. Some of these are, but aren’t limited to:

  • Glue: Cover your floors in glue, or any other sticky substance (such as Marmite and honey) to keep speeds to a minimum.
  • Hobbling: Use a sledgehammer to hobble your employees, consequently ensuring they’ll likely never walk properly again (see Misery).
    • Do note, this action may constitute harassment on your part and could result in a costly employment tribunal.
  • Parachutes: Provide all members of staff with a functional parachute they can deploy if they feel their speed is reaching absurd peaks.
  • Big clumsy shoes: Insist your dress code consist of footwear that’s ungainly and difficult to walk about it. Giant clogs would be one such suggestion.
  • Anvils: Insist all employees carry a large anvil around with them at all times. That’s even if they have to do something simple, such as go to the bathroom or head to the photocopier.

Out of all the above, we can recommend a mixture of several deceleration techniques to achieve the required outcome.

For example, you may want to mix and match:

  • Hobbling.
  • Glue.
  • Anvils.

Do note, the use of certain combinations may result in a severe productivity drops.

The above combination could lead to immobility for your employees, thusly bringing work to a total standstill.

As a result, productivity drops may, in turn, impact profit margins. And this means you may not be able to afford your planned $40 million superyacht.

Is Jogging at Work Okay?

Jogging in the workplace is a suitable alternative for employees. A compromise, if you will.

However, you’ll need to agree on the maximum speed with your workforce. And then strictly monitor the average speeds of staff as they traverse your workplace.

The result of this is you may wish to setup speed cameras in your office environment to monitor joggers as they lollop down corridors.

A punishment system would effectively deter employees from speeding.

For example, if you catch a member of staff jogging at 6mph instead of the agreed limit of 5mph, you may have them hung, drawn, and quartered on your premises.

Make sure you also drive the offender’s severed head onto a spike outside outside your office entrance.

This will suitably deter employees keen on hanging onto their heads from exceeding the speed limits.

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