It’s the biggest question of them all for any human female: “Should I abandon all moral values in favour of marrying some gross old bloke who’s loaded?”

And in most instances, the answer is a resounding geriatric gurgle.

Such as with today’s individual, who sees an easy life with an unstable, but rich, OAP as the answer to all of her dreams. Fool or cool? We’re here to help her out!

The Joys of Marrying Into Money

Dear Agony Aunt, I'm Belinda (no, not Belinda Carlisle). I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 101 and he's an incredibly rich former black market arms dealer worth half a billion. 

I'm no goldigger, but I think I should marry him for his money. He has loads of it and it should be mine. I don't that in a cruel way but he'll be dead soon so what's the point? 

But really it's like he's old and gross so should I bother? Advice, like... now! Belinda

Hi, Belinda Carlisle! What’s important to remember about marrying a gross old bloke are the following points. He will be:

• Gross
• Old
• A bloke

Combine the three together (gross old bloke) and it’s a kind of horror story of ageing meets failed youth meets staggering income.

The upsides to this development are:

• Wealth (i.e. the ability to obtain sandwiches with no financial concerns regarding the quality of the houmous)
• If the older bloke is smoking hot (admittedly, probably not—90+ year olds tend to look less like Brad Pitt than expected)
• Sudden and unexpected death syndrome (i.e. sudden access to wealth)
• Earlier than expected insights into age-related diseases (i.e. you’ll see what’s coming your way, sooner rather than later)
• An appreciation for beards (which 99% of 90+ year olds have)
• Probable realisations later in life you made an error in choosing wealth over proper stuff (like sandwiches), which will lead to a sandwich infatuation (such as with the Pot Noodle sandwich)

All of the above are splendid, but not necessarily wanted.

Think of the trappings of wealth like the trappings of stealth. You can sneak about in your sneakers all you like, but if you’re rich there aren’t any ways to… hang on, that analogy didn’t go very well. Let’s rethink it.

Nope! That’s it, we can’t think of anything.

Ultimately, you must think of gross rich old blokes as humans, too. They’re no different from gross young blokes (except gross young blokes don’t have any money). And this makes us want to write a poem:

The richer one gets,
The more you’ll need vets,
Because of the rodents hanging around due to the old bloke’s stench.

Yes, that’s more of a haiku. Anyway, we feel we’re meandering here. Belinda Carlisle, Heaven is a Place on Earth… just not necessarily if you spend it with an old man whose gout bothers you.

Best of luck with your finances. We suggest if you want to get rich, maybe try out bank robbing or something. Less (fewer) gross old men in that racket.