Human males are extraordinary things. Some of them can drink vast quantities of tea. So much, in fact, they gradually evolve into a teabag. That’s what’s happened with today’s patient.
We know all about this. Just behold our expertise when beholding Okakura’s The Book of Tea! It’s a common physical ailment.
As such, the fantastic news for his beleaguered wife is we’re here to help! Let’s brew up some answers!
When Your Husband’s Tea Addiction Has Unexpected Consequences
Disclaimer: Please, for your own safety, ignore our useless medical advice.
Dear Dr. Moron. Something appalling happened last month! My husband started evolving into a larger than normal teabag. I put this down to his habit of drinking multiple litres of Yorkshire tea everyday. He put it down to my "non-stop nagging"! I ordered him to the hospital, but they sent us home thinking my husband was doing some sort of dress-up prank. This is very real! And very urgent. He's evolved into a teabag! No one believes me. He went into work and they sent him home, thinking he was doing a dress-up prank. Everyone thinks he's pranking everyone! And our children think he's just messing around. Our eldest son, Charlie, is 10 and thinks daddy is being silly. He just laughs himself stupid and points at daddy when he walks around. But I'm stuck with him. What are we going to do at dinner parties!? He's a teabag! Sure, he smells better than ever. Gone is the reeking stench of manly BO and his stupid, foul-smelling man feet. My husband has been very calm about all of this, too. "I don't see what the bother is, woman!" He keeps saying that. But what's going to happen to him?! He's useless in bed now. I want my hanky-panky! But my main concern is when the government find out he's a human teabag. I can see it'll be officials in hazmat suits, turning up to cordon off the house. My husband will be taken to a test facility and they'll experiment on him to see how effective he is as a brew. Next thing they'll be turning him into a teabag range and he'll be supplying the nation with a new range of tasty tea! I'm not sure whether to be proud of that... or mortified! Is there a cure for this most debilitating of diseases?! Yours, Clara
Calm yourself down, you daft woman! This is nothing to be alarmed about. Why?! As today’s post is sponsored by Tabitha’s Tea Shop & Atom Bomb test Site!
Take your husband for a romantic spot of tea, whilst observing destructive eruptions the types of which are indicative of the end of humanity. That’ll take your mind off things, eh?
Curing Your Teabag Husband
However, if you’re set on curing your husband then know this—he’s labouring under a condition known as teabagitis.
It was first observed in 1888 in London, when so much tea was consumed by posh upper-class types 13 of them evolved into an array of English Breakfast Teas. Their, respective, families used the opportunity to forge ahead with many tea-based business initiatives and became insanely wealthier.
The condition is described in The Medical Dictionary of Conditions and Diseases as:
“Teabagitis: This horrifying condition is often fatal and always horrifying. The patient often enters a state of serenity and indifference to their illness, whilst colleagues, family members, and friends can only look on in terror.
The illness is often fatal. Patients must be observed at all times to ensure they don’t bathe in 100 degree water—as they are prone to do. They are, after all, teabags. And their life’s goal is now to brew themselves.
Whilst the prognosis for them is dire, do be aware that, should they succumb to the illness, you can still use their corpse to brew up an excellent cup of tea. This can take the edge off mourning whilst at the likes of a wake.”
So, as yet there’s no known cure for the illness. But there is experimental treatment that includes:
- Drinking an excessive amount of coffee
- Hanging, drawing, and quartering
- Serving your husband numerous cucumber sandwiches
We’d be inclined to take the cucumber sandwiches route, which may balance out his hormonal imbalances that have resulted in his current state of being.
Sadly, there’s not much else you can do for him.
Just ensure you keep him away from kettles, teapots, and fellow tea addicts. This way he may well live for another 20-30 years unaffected by his condition. We’ll drink to that!