Garlic in the workplace is a contentious issue that can lead to a toxic working environment—in more ways than one. As follows:
- The stench of garlic
- Foul-smelling breath (due to garlic)
As an employer, you must take this matter seriously. Otherwise your business could suffer a loss in profits, leaving you to close shop, take off with as much money as you can, and leave your employees destitute.
All of which can be avoided if you adhere to this guide, download the StinkedInn app, and kowtow to several forms of government legislation.
Garlic in the Workplace Laws
As with body odour at work, you should ensure staff don’t turn up stinking like garlic. It’s your duty of care as an employer.
Garlic in the workplace is legislated by The Garlic in the Workplace Act 1974. In section 47 (a) on page 3,451 it states the following.
“The likes of garlic bread may be consumed by employees during their downtime. This is bad for business (except for garlic bread selling businesses). Picture the scene:
Mary is an attractive and popular member of the office. She is in her early 30s and all her male colleagues are fantasising about asking her out on a date. However, one day Mary attends work after a previous night’s meal of spaghetti bolognese with extra garlic and a side dish of garlic bread with extra mature cheddar cheese. Her breath smells so bad several of her colleagues immediately fall out of love with her and report Mary to their line manager. She receives an immediate pay cut, is cautioned, and informed she would be better off spending her career in the kitchen baking cookies as a housewife. Mary objects to such anachronistic views and seeks a costly employment tribunal, wins the case, the garlic stations are installed across your business alongside water coolers. Now, everyone in the business stinks. And it is all your fault for losing control of the situation!
Such a cautionary tale is, sadly, de rigeur in the modern business world. As such, you should take every step you can to ensure garlic consumption is kept to a minimum in, and outside of, working hours.”
The Garlic Breath at Work Act 1974 to accommodates for the above scenario, indicating in section 12 (b) on page 534 the following.
“It is advisable for businesses who have lost control of their workplace garlic situation to, at the very least, hand out free mints to employees as they arrive to work.”
If you cannot afford a free mint policy, it’s advisable to give your workforce a collective pay cut to ensure you have fresh mints available and arranged in little bowls where appropriate (including the workplace bathroom).
The good news is the government is also launching various initiatives to tackle the garlic in the workplace crisis. Here is its leading effort.
Introducing the Government’s Wacky Anti-Garlic Initiative 🧄
Under new legislation The Anti-Garlic Breath at Work Act 2022, the government has launched a super cool garlic character to help dumb employees understand why garlic is bad.
Gavin the Garlic is a petulant, lazy, and no good communist garlic who thinks hard work is for schmucks! This absolute bastard exhibits the following attributes:
- Shades to mask his bleary, bloodshot eyes—a direct result of partying too much by milking hardworking people’s money.
- An entitled and petulant attitude—a direct result of lacking personal responsibility.
- Progressive values, such as a desire for an increase to the minimum wage—a direct result of a freeloading attitude born out of jealously and laziness.
Truly, Gavin the Garlic is a total dickhead.
And that’s why the government’s initiative will totally do the following:
- Make employees realise garlic is for sad act communists.
- Instil in employees a desire to work hard and not be like Gavin the Garlic.
- Generate a desire to lower the minimum wage.
- Generate a desire for personal responsibility (i.e. not eat garlic at all ever, ever, ever again… so help me God!).
Gavin the Garlic is set to be rolled out in numerous anti-garlic breath campaigns in Q4 and into the new year. His motto is this.
“I’m Gavin the Garlic and I leech off other people’s hard work! AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! HAHAHAHA!”
A government spokesman for the initiative, ironically called MP Brian Garlicson, told us the following.
“Gavin the Garlic will infuriate employees and their sense of entitlement in a capitalist system that definitely rewards hard work, even though it’s clear these days very few people do actually benefit from this economic system. Except people like me. And I want to keep it that way! So, the first step towards that state of affairs is ensuring everyone fears garlic like the plague. And Gavin the Garlic’s obnoxious behaviour is a brilliant brainwashing tactic that’ll work on gullible dunces such as tabloid readers.”
As such, your business should begin printing off Gavin the Garlic paraphernalia and hang it from every available ledge, wall, and orifice around your working environment.
This should help banish garlic from your working environment, ensuring a pure and fresh workplace for the years ahead free from the stench of egalitarian, communist dogma.