Ask Dr. Moron: “Me and Space have small talk. Am I nuts?!”

Space with Earth and two conversation bubbles in a discussion

Some people hear voices in their head. That’s normal. Others have full blown discussions with outer space. That’s not normal. It’s as simple as that!

However, that medical verdict may not cut it with today’s demented fool. That’s why we had to do more typing to try and help the mental SOB.

Conversations With the Universe

Disclaimer: Do not pay any attention to our medical advice, it is useless.

Dear Dr. Moron. Over the last year, something remarkable has been occurring. I've found myself having deep discussions with the cosmos. Yes, the Universe and I, space, the great unknown, have been engaging in idle chitchat.

Sure, the conversations never extend beyond basic small talk. It always goes like this:

Space: O'reet?
Me: Ey up!
Space: Cold in this region of the remorseless expansive of the Universe at this particular moment in the spacetime continuum, isn't it?
Me: Yes. Nippy!
Space: Indeed.
Me: So... got any plans for the weekend?
Space: Might catch a movie.
Me: Oh okay. What movie?
Space: I've heard good things about Betelgeuse.
Me: You mean the film Beetlejuice?
Space: No. Betelgeuse. Please pay attention to what I'm saying.
Me: Oh... sure. Sorry.
Space: [Evanescent vibrations]
Me: I'm sorry?
Space: Goodbye.
Me: Oh, yeah... cya!

Our most recent conversation was, again, about the weather. And it enquired about the film Jurassic World Dominion and asked where all the dinosaurs were on Earth. Space became very annoyed with me when I explained they have been long extinct, saying the film is false advertising and it was considering legal action.

I must say, many of these conversations with The Universe end awkwardly. It's a bit embarrassing, really. Normally I'd not have anything to do with a person like this... but it's Space, you know!? Who else gets to do this!? Just me, as far as I'm aware! 

Admittedly, I'm smug in the sense I know this makes me special.

But no one believes me. I told my friends and one of them, Dave, just said I was clearly "insane" and in need of medical assistance. He recommended you guys and, well... here I am. What's the verdict then, am I a one-off as a human being? Or just mental? Cheers! Kevin

Hi Kevin. That’s a very interesting story, thank you for taking the time to share it with us. It’s all a clear sign of chronic dehydration.

Drink a can of fizzy drink (e.g. dandelion and burdock) and you should be as right as rain.

However, if that doesn’t cure the matter there is still hope. After checking his medical notes from The Moronic Guide to Medicine, Dr. Moron believes a suitable prescription would be the childhood game What’s the Time Mr. Wolf?

Gather your friends together in your home and insist you all play this game.

Dress up as a wolf. Howl like one. And attack your friends with wild abandon, amongst much snarling, if they refuse to engage in make believe.

Dr. Moron’s medical explanation, simplified for the layman, goes thus.

“What’s the Time Mr Wolf? will encourage Kevin to indulge in bestial antics. It’ll distract his friends from the whole ‘conversations with the Universe’ hippy crap and help them to finalise their opinions of him as a total nutcase.”

With your friends dedicated to the premise you’re a lunatic, Kevin, you’ll be free to indulge in further conversations with the Universe without prejudice.

It sounds like it’s going well. Maybe extend conversation to enquiring about its private life and whatnot.

Read up on our excellent guide to flirting. You don’t get many shots at happiness in life, Kevin, and this is clearly the ONLY opportunity you’ll ever get.

17 comments

  1. 1) If it’s Dr. Moron asking, the answer is a great big fat over the moon sonic boom “YES”!!!!!!!!!!

    2) “Hippy” (sic) is correctly spelled with an “ie,” you moronic moron!!!!!!!!!!

    3) Dandelion and BUR-dock? OMG, I can taste the bitterness all the way across the pond! I suppose you drink that stuff to drown out the taste of the mushy peas. (Thought I’d forgotten about those, hadn’t you? Not a chance.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I still generally think the issue may be scurvy. In 99% of cases it’s scurvy, but maybe not this one. I’m not sure if the Universe can get scurvy. Maybe it can produce its own vitamin C.

      Like

  2. If you have talked to space and space has talked back, that probably means you have accidentally established contact with a hyper-technological civilization that will come here to murder us all. Congratulations!

    Liked by 1 person

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