Humming at work is as controversial a topic as drumming fingers on a desk at work and eating apples at work. If the matter is left uncontrolled, humming employees can destroy your livelihood and result in your destitution.

As such, it’s your duty of care as an employer to limit the toxic effects of those employees who insist on humming in the workplace.

In this guide, we explore the matter, the nature of the hum, and that 1994 Crash Test Dummies song Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.

Employment Laws and Human Humming

Humming in the workplace is legislated by The Humming in the Workplace Act 1974. As it is widely considered an annoying habit, you should look to ensure you don’t allow it to annoy anyone. Even staff members who like humming.

In this 33,000 page policy, regulations stipulate humming to be an “act of war” and “probably the work of Satan”. In section 12 (b) on page 3,151 it states the following.

“All employees, no matter their salary or status, must not engage in humming. This is an offense punishable by death. The mandatory execution method is death by elephant crushing.”

As such, you should cheerfully inform new starters of your mandatory execution policy in the event of their unwanted workplace humming.

Should they be alarmed by such a policy, merely inform them it is an international law and, as such, it’s the same for everyone.

Due to the nature of this policy, many businesses without an elephant in their nearby vicinity have often struggled to carry out the letter of the law.

It is of the utmost importance you comply with the Act. Failure to do so can have serious ramifications for your business, including:

• An unlimited fine
• Enforced, repeated watching of the Disney film Dumbo
• Enforced trips to the nearest zoos as professional development
• Demolition of your business premises by stampeding elephants

As such, it’s good business practice to have an elephant (and elephant trainer) on-site 24/7 to ensure you’re able to carry out policies relating to the Act.

Whilst this may result in considerable expenditure of overhead it, nonetheless, ensures you don’t have to watch Dumbo or its bizarre 2019 live-action adaptation.

The Types of Workplace Humming

You should maintain, and regularly update, a Humming Policy as part of your company handbook. This stipulates the noises that constitute humming.

Typically, two types are identified at work:

1. Thoughtful absorption: Humming that is thought of as “thoughtful absorption”, which can result in a contemplative “hmm”.
2. Humming tunes: Employees humming along to their favourite tunes, such as Swagger Jagger by Cher Lloyd.

Both types are punishable by death by elephant crushing. Should employees want to make contemplative noises, they should rely on less irritating vocalisations than humming.

Suggestions for this include clapping at work and the grunting of exertion often associated with using ping-pong tables at work.

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm and its Effects on the Working Environment

For the sake of international businesses and global economies, the Crash Test Dummies song Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm is banned from ALL workplaces.

Whether you’re in New York, Tokyo, Belo Horizonte, Bolton of Greater Manchester, or Moscow—the song is, unequivocally, banned.

Under the international The Humming Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm at Work Act 1994, it’s strictly forbidden to hum the song in any working environment. That is on pain of being decapitated with a rusty chainsaw.

The law, whilst considered barbaric by some, is thought of as draconian enough to put anyone off from humming the hit 1994 single that peaked at #4 in the US charts and #1 in Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Iceland, Lithuania, Norway, and Sweden.

It was also included in the film Dumb and Dumb with Jim Carrey. This bit.

Under The Humming Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm at Work Act 1994, it is also strictly forbidden to mention the film in the workplace. As explained in section 12 (f) on page 3,451 of the Act.

“For the love of God, do not even let anyone mention Dumb and Dumber. As excellent and hilarious a film as it is, should it trigger memories of that scene where Lloyd and Harry have a momentary fall out, resulting in the playing of The Forbidden Song, then it may result in international economic collapse.”

As such, it’s your duty of care as an employer to reference other Jim Carrey films. Such as Ace Ventura 2: Pet Detective (1995).

Regarding Humming Birds and the Working Environment

To ensure there’s no confusion surrounding human humming in the workplace and the casual humming of a humming bird’s wings, The Humming Birds at Work Act 1974 was introduced in the year 1974.

The Act clearly stipulates humming birds are allowed in the working environment and should be tolerated.

Unfortunately, the 120 page Act lacks much clarity and was clearly written by someone under the influence of alcohol. For example, on page 12 it states the following.

“Humming birds are birds but ones not as hot as the ones in my office ahhhaaa hahaha a..,”

This piece of legislation, often regarded by many as sexist, has remained in place for almost 50 years.

Whilst there have been calls to update the Act since 1984, no one has actually had the time to update it at any point.

However, in 2022 a petition was launched to address the matter.

It’s now believed the drunken intern who originally wrote the The Humming Birds at Work Act 1974 will now amend the legislation in time for 2023.

Although he’s chosen to remain anonymous, now aged 67 he stated in a recent press release the following.

“It will be my honour to update this piece of legislation. I am a changed man since 1974. I only drink the finest whiskey and wine… but not at the same time! Haahhahahaa!”

His statement has led some to question whether he’s a suitable candidate for an amendment to such a controversial Act.