In office environments, issues such as stinking bad at work and/or eating apples at work can generate negative feelings between colleagues.
A common offender includes an individual drumming their fingers on the desk.
Under the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act (Miscellaneous) 2010, this is forbidden. However, many staff members still do it anyway. How can you punish them justly? Read on to find out.
The History of Employees Drumming Their Fingers on Desks at Work
Every second an employee spends pretending to be Keith Moon at their day job as an accountant is a second of lost productivity.
Not only are they wasting your time, but they’re putting off their colleagues from work by drumming our paradiddles like there’s no tomorrow.
In the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act 1981 the government acted quickly to stop this practice. On page 546 section 3.1 the Act states:
“Due to the recent popularity of rock bands, and the invention of the Sony Walkman in 1979, many employees now believe themselves to be John Bonham.
Duly remind them they are not John Bonham. They are a mild-mannered office worker who has KPIs to meet and spreadsheets to complete.
As such, if they begin drumming their fingers on a desk it is of the utmost urgency that you stop them from doing so.
If the issue becomes completely overbearing, you may need to amputate the fingers and/or hands of the offending employee so the issue comes to a cessation.”
Do note, removing your employees’ hands is now forbidden under the Equality Act 2010, so there was an adjustment to the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act 1981 in 2010.
The abundance of employers gleefully hacking annoying employees’ hands off reached a point that the economy almost collapsed.
Spreadsheets went uncomplete, keyboards went untapped, and employees languished about more inferior and stupid than ever before.
As such, the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act (Miscellaneous) 2010 addressed the issue of amputations and made this improper to do so.
Do note, it’s not outright banned or illegal.
If, for example, you have an apprentice who’s 18 and quite determined to thrash out Moby Dick with his index fingers on a desk next to his beleaguered 60 year-old-mentor, then you can hack the apprentice’s hands off.
However, it’s also considered bad business practice to do so.
The apprentice’s mother would be pretty miffed off with you and you may have to endure the legal consequences of an employment tribunal.
It’s a sad consequence of the PC, woke, lefty society that has come to blight the economy and is ruining the nation.
Even though we’ve just had 11 years of right-wing governmental rule, but that’s merely a coincidence and has no relevance here.
Your Anti-Desk Finger Drumming Policy
To protect your business from unwanted desk drumming, you need a policy banning it outright.
You have the legal right to do this. It is your business. You are the employer. You are superior to all around you, especially your lazy and dumb employees.
As such, fashion your policy in the following manner:
“Employees are not permitted to drum their fingers on the desk as it can:
- Remove their focus from their tasks.
- Disrupt another employee’s day.
- Induce arthritis.
- Promote notions of the employee wasting their life and how they should, instead, be pursuing a career as a drummer, or in something more fulfilling than the inane role they’re currently in.
- Be too much fun.
Remember, you are here to complete your job. Having fun is not part of your working day. It is, instead, important to scowl throughout the working day and complete your job to an adequate level.”
Do note, you should also try to block employees from finger drumming outside of work.
As such, consider breaking their fingers/hands with a hammer every Friday night after their shift is complete.
This is legal under the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act (Miscellaneous) 2010, which only stipulates amputations are banned.
You’re also free to hobble your employees with a sledgehammer.
This is a separate stipulation under the Hobbling Employees at Work Act 1999. Within this Act on page 654 section 3.C it states:
“Employers can hobble employees for any reason deemed necessary (except for making a cup of tea during working hours).
The hobbling device must be a sledgehammer with a cast iron hammer head. Please refer to that gnarly scene from Misery (1990) for further guidance on this matter.”
This Act isn’t directly linked to the Employees Drumming Fingers on Desks Act (Miscellaneous) 2010, but a hobbled employee is a hapless employee.
In other words, they’re less likely to want to drum their fingers on a desk as they’ll be preoccupied with a moribund state of mind.
Can they drum on chairs?
How can they type if their hands are cut off?
Personally, I say to the employees who want to drum, use your feet! You can bass drum the whole day away.
Your fingers will be busy, looking productive, but the beat goes on!
NO DRUMMING! Not on chairs, not on stairs, not on hairs, not on chocolate eclairs. OKAY?!
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BLOODY ENGLISH PEOPLE!
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