Toilet Bastard: Destroying Toilets Since 1973 [Sponsored Post]

Toilet Bastard the toilet cleaner

Meet Toilet Bastard—the world’s meanest toilet cleaner. Packed out with enough chemicals to floor 13,000 rhinoceroses, this thing DESTROYS toilets.

And that’s because Toilet Bastard is, at inception, indoctrinated with the most volatile anti-toilet invective in the world.

Toilet Bastard’s hatred of toilets soon becomes greater than any man, woman, or bidet. You can own this product! And you can DESTROY with it. Onward.

Toilet Bastard: Where Infinity Ends at the Toilet Rim

Toilet Bastard works in partnership with Tony’s Tyrannical Toilets. Buy a special 20 litre pack of our product and you’ll get an animatronic T. Rex COMPLETELY FREE!

Our patented brand combines a potent combination of:

It’s the daisies that provide Toilet Bastard with its subtle, yet distinctive, after-smell of horror and flowers.

Created in 1973 by a registered psychopath and war criminal (legally, he has to remain anonymous), Toilet Bastard is the work of hygiene genius.

No other toilet cleaning product in the world has ever been so destructive. Our previous CEO, numerous of whom have been killed by our product, said this in July of 2022.

“Toilet Bastard is world-renowned. Its excellence stems from its… its… urgh… guurgGH. URGH. ARGH! ARGHHHHH!! ARRRGHHHHHH!!!!!”

His high-pitched screaming, and subsequent death, may have drowned out the importance of cleaning your toilet regularly.

But this is no joke!

Your toilet needs Toilet Bastard. And with it, you and your toilet are unstoppable! No man alive can stop something as volatile as this goddamn thing. You pick it up and it’ll rumble in your hands, shaking you to your very core.

But upon unleashing Toilet Bastard, the monstrous screams of terror of anyone in its vicinity will sanctify you.

And your toilet will love you for it (sort of).

Toilet Bastard Instructions

It’s advisable you wear a full hazmat suit before, during, and after the use of Toilet Bastard. The process goes like this:

  1. Waltz into your bathroom of choice (preferably the one where you live)
  2.  Point dramatically at the toilet and scream vociferously
  3. Grip the toilet seat violently and wrench it upward
  4. Grasp Toilet Bastard in your hands
  5. Remove the cap
  6. Struggle to remove the cap
  7. Curse the day childproof locks were invented
  8. Finally remove the cap
  9. Aim Toilet Bastard at the toilet in question
  10. Unleash Hell
  11. For stubborn stains, leave the product to sit for thousands of years

Toilet Bastard will disintegrate all it touches. Your toilet will be dead and gone. Where it once was, there’ll be a yawning hole in the ground stretching hundreds of feet into the ground.

Toilet Bastard is indiscriminate. It doesn’t feel pity. Or remorse. Or fear. And it absolutely will not stop. Until all toilets are DEAD!

Available in all stores near you at the affordable price of £10 a litre.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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