Committing a typo at work is a far greater offense than even gross misconduct. It’s good business practice to ensure it doesn’t happen. Ever!
In this guide to typos, spelling errors, and casual grammatical mistakes, you’ll find all the knowledge you need to avoid a hellish catastrophe greater even than nuclear war, WWIII, and the apocalypse. Combined!
The Law Regarding Typos at Work
Typos at work are legislated by The Typos at Work Act 1974. In section 45 (d) on page 45, 672 it states the following.
“In 97% of instances, long-term use of typos in workplace documents and paraphernalia will lead to the total collapse of your business. The statistic for this, as aforementioned, is at 97%. That is one more than 96%.
Business magnates fear that, should the statistic rise to 98% by 1980, this will result in the collapse of all society and the rise of socialism.
As such, it is essential all businesses rigorously ensure there are no typos in ALL of their work containing words. Employers are permitted to be as draconian and ruthless as they so wish in their pursuit and punishment of typos committed by feckless employees.”
Since the publication of the Act, it’s commonplace to see employees being castigated for making even the tiniest error. Examples include:
- Making typos (typically due to laziness)
- Not proofreading their work properly
- Getting confused with your and you’re
- Mixing up their, there, and they’re
- Not understanding active voice and passive voice
- Misspelling accommodate, acknowledgement, and maintenance
- Failing to comprehend the power of the Oxford comma
- Overusing adverbs like a SOB
Much confusion stems from British English and American English.
However, that isn’t a viable excuse for employees. Should they attempt to try that one on you, you’re free to punch them in the face and give them a pay cut whilst you’re at it.
However, it’s good business practice to mitigate the risk of typos. As opposed to accepting they’ll happen before executing staff members by hanging, drawing, and quartering.
How to Mitigate Typos to Save Your Business
It’s essential you write a typo free company policy on this matter. Include the Typo Manifesto in your company handbook.
Shove it into new starter’s stupid faces the moment they arrive at work.
With a bleeding nose and sense of shock, they’ll read the document with shaky hands, and possibly tears in their pathetic eyes, and understand that the typo will result in the worst of possible consequences.
You should indicate what these typo consequences are. Your options include:
- Death By Typing: The offender must type continuously until they succumb to death. This punishment is thought of as one of the worst possible fate for any human being.
- Death By Keyboard Guillotine: Execution by a sharpened keyboard, which falls at such a rate to behead the typo offender.
- Death By Keyboarding: Colleagues surround the offender and smash them to death with keyboards from around the office.
However, mindless savagery isn’t the only route you can take as an employer. You may also wish to look for milder punishments, such as:
- Instant dismissal
- Pay cuts
- Public naming and shaming
- Punching the employee (as aforementioned)
Such terrorising tactics should act to ward employees away from making grievous typing errors. But if all else fails, you need an emergency strategy.
End of Days: The Emergency Typo Strategy
Picture the scene. Your business is launching its latest product and a press release is sent off to the national press for coverage.
You feel proud. You can’t wait for the millions to start rolling in so you can start saving for your £40 million superyacht. But then… you read the press release your content manager cleared mere hours earlier.
“Batshit Crazy Enterprises Ltd. is pleased to announce the launch of its latest product: The Donkey App. This app pinpoints with millimetric precision the location of ALL known donkeys in the country, thusly ensuring you are always in the know of the whereabouts of donkeys and their milk.
This is a game changer in the world of donkeys. Batshit Crazy Enterprises Ltd.’s founder and CEO, John McDipshit, said: ‘This is a game changer in the world of donkeys. We have slaved over this app for years. SLAVED! And now, for people who want to know exactly where donkeys are in their vicinity at ALL times, this is the app of their dreams. I expect to be knighted for this endeavour.’
For further details, contact Batshit Crazy Enterprises Ltd. at: firstname.lastname@example.org.”
Did you spot the heinous error? If not, then you are a SCOURGE amongst the world of typos and are lucky you can escape punishment on this occasion! But… shame on you.
For the uninitiated and feckless, here is the error:
“This app pinpoints with millimetric precision the location of ALL known donkeys in the country, thusly ensuring you are always in the know of the whereabouts of donkeys and their milk.”
Highlighted in bold. It’s supposed to say ilk.
Errors like that destroy businesses and will lead to the collapse of society. In quick response, you should have your content manager flayed alive by keyboarding.
But then you must instigate your Emergency Typo Strategy. For this, you’ll need a £10 million underground bunker constructed.
Once the typo is committed, hit the giant red panic button you’ll have setup in your private office. With sirens wailing and total bedlam ensuing, you must then:
- Abandon ship—hurtle into your underground bunker.
- Take your receptionist with you, if you see fit.
- Your director will oversee the anarchy and free-for-all across your business, with mass Death By Typing, Keyboard Guillotine, and Keyboarding commencing as a typo purge.
- Allow for The Typo Revolution to run its course and a new order to take control, all from the safety of your underground bunker.
Your director will contact you once it’s safe to emerge back into society. That may take months, years, or even decades.
Fact is, once a typo of such appalling gravitas is committed you may well have to accept your life is over.
50 years from now, you’d look back on the day that SOB content manager cleared the copy that conflated milk with ilk. And you’ll curse the day you ever laid eyes on a donkey.