You don’t have a choice of buying a toaster at Tony’s Totally Totalitarian Toasters. Our policy is simple—buy or die!

Should you choose to purchase a beautiful, brilliant, bombastic toaster (with which you can make glorious beans on toast), then you’ll toast up toast like you’ve never toasted anything before! The alternative is death.

It’s a simple choice. And it’s one our sales pitch below should go some way towards helping you making your life or death decision easy.

How Tony’s Totally Totalitarian Toasters Works

With our patented buy or die! policy in mind, here’s all you need to know:

1. If you wish to stay alive, then you shall buy one of our toasters.
2. If you do not wish to stay alive, you will leave the store emptyhanded.

If you choose #2, that’s when you enter into a world of hurt. Upon alighting from our store, Gregor the Warrior will descend upon you with the vengeance of 1,000 angry rhinoceroses.

But… who is Gregor? He’s our resident warrior on loan!

It’s his job to quickly locate anyone who doesn’t buy a toaster. And then, without trial (as that’d be futile—we already know you’re guilty), you’re beheaded on the spot. And yet, alas, you may enquire:

“Is that really totalitarianism?”

No. For it is actually… toastalitarianism! Something far worse than you can possibly conceive. And it is there to enforce the way of the toaster!

If you don’t follow the way of the toaster, then here’s an introductory guide to ensure we don’t knock your block off.

The Way of the Toaster—Philosophical Doctrine

The way of toaster is the way of toast. To become a mighty warrior like Gregor, you need plenty of toast so you can grow up big and strong.

Yet there are 17 stages to ensure you kowtow to the way of the toaster. These go as follows. Heed them carefully, toaster wannabe, for all are essential:

1. First, you must be born. If you aren’t born, what are you doing? Go away.
2. Once born, you must grow up.
3. As you grow up, you must consume bread.
4. You must also discover the essence of toasting bread into toast.
5. Before age 10, ensure you have mastered the toaster. There are steps to follow in mastering the toaster:
   1. Buy a toaster.
   2. Plug the toaster into a socket.
   3. Toast some bread.
   4. Do not jam a knife into your toaster when it is on, for this may result in a cessation on your being.
6. You must head to Toaster University to understand the philosophical and scientific ramifications of a life spent indulging in toaster usage.
7. Study hard, mere mortal, and eat much toast.
8. Pass you degree with at least a 2:1. Otherwise, the way of the toaster is not for you and you’ll be banished towards floppy bread for the rest of thine days.
9. Get a job in a kitchen managing the toaster (this doesn’t have to be a permanent role, but you need at least five years’ experience before moving on with your career).
10. Quit your stupid job in the kitchen.
11. Begin your real career.
12. Annoy your managers and colleagues with endless prattling about the way of the toaster.
13. Advise all family, friends, and colleagues about the way of the toaster.
14. Ensure everyone you know isn’t abusing toasters (i.e. not clearing the “bits” tray out of all the toast gunk).
15. Get older and begin mass hoarding toasters for the hell of it.
16. By your elder years, you should be, gradually, transforming into a toaster. Get plastic surgery to assist you with this endeavour.

There we have it. 16 steps! We appreciate we said 17 earlier, but it is actually 16. No, we’re not going back to change that in our copy? And why?! Because…

Buy or Die!

You’re now skilled in the way of the toaster! Visit our store to buy our fantastic range of brilliant toasters.

They can even do Pop Tarts and other stuff like crumpets!

But remember, we hold the right to our buy or die! policy. Gregor is never far away when you enter our store. Do so at your own peril, toast enthusiast.

And don’t think you can get away with it by ordering online! We get your IP address, you know? Gregor will personally HUNT DOWN any website visitor who abandons their shopping cart before buying a glorious toaster.

May toast have mercy on your soul.