Agony Aunt: “How do I channel my inner bitch, please?”

How to channel your inner bitch

It’s important for any human female to have access to her inner bitch. Being able to do so opens the door to many opportunities, such as:

  • Personal liberation.
  • Carefree disregard for moral values.
  • Ending relationships you find of considerable annoyance.

Whilst being a “bitch” is often viewed as a negative personality trait, today’s human female wishes to access her inner bitch to become whole.

The Itch of the Inner Bitch

Dear agony aunt. My name is Rebecca and I'm too much of a pushover. I need to toughen up and I think channelling my inner bitch is a route to this goal.

Please help me with this with any suggestions. 

Yours sincerely, Rebecca

Hi there, Rebecca. First we must address the obvious. You should buy our product the cement bitcher. No, this isn’t a plug… okay, well maybe it is.

Once you’ve parted with your cash and you’re still determined to become a bitch, there’s no going back.

Your second step is to study the personality traits you must adopt. Including:

  • Two-facedness
  • Gossiping
  • Backstabbing
  • Manipulation
  • Irrationality
  • Haughtiness
  • General superiority complex
  • Reliance on specious reasoning
  • Denial of all accountability
  • Accusing everyone of being “fake”
  • Making constant slurs that other women sleep around
  • Constantly stating you, “Don’t give any fucks!”

Luckily, there’s help these days to ensure you can meet your personal dreams.

Applying to Bitch University

Bitch University is located in the village of Bitchfield of Lincolnshire, England. You must request an application form and reply within 48 hours with your application form.

The form should be bitchy, otherwise you’ll be rejected.

Our suggestion for this is to drip false sincerity and throw in some passive-aggressiveness. Something like:

Q: Why do you want to study at Bitch university?

A: I don’t give any fucks! Either you accept me or you don’t. Whatever!”

Such a statement will ensure you’re accepted into Bitch University.

The three year course costs £97,000 and is available for ages 18 upwards for UK and international students. There are multiple semesters throughout the course.

Year One

  • An introduction to being a bitch
  • Bitch basics
  • What is a bitch?
  • Why be a bitch?
  • How to be a bitch

A year one piece of homework is to watch James Cameron’s Aliens and postulate over Ripley’s line, “Get away from her, you bitch!

Year Two

  • Whatever!
  • How to handle bitch fights and hair tugging
  • Bitch experience placements
    • Suggestions for this include nail bars and hairdressers, where you can freely indulge in bitching at will
  • OMG or ZOMG?! Mastering Ermagherd Requirements

Do note, the Whatever! semester is highly popular due to the general apathy of the three-month segment, during which time you’ll largely sit about whilst pouting moodily.

Year Three

  • Slapping sessions with The Slap Master
  • Sleeping with your girlfriend’s boyfriends
    • This is optional, but wins brownie points for maximum bitch behaviour
  • Bitchy dissertation—a minimum 50,000 word thesis slagging off the people on your course

Please note, during your sessions with The Slap Master, who has a black belt in slapping, you will be slapped.

Don’t worry, you’ll be slapping The Slap Master back in due course, but you must be prepared to fester inner turmoil before seeking well-timed and malicious revenge.

After all, it’s the hallmark of bitchy behaviour.

How to Slag Off Fellow Females

To note, it’ll be helpful prior to your application to learn some common bitchy phrases. These include:

  • If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face definitely will!
  • Bitch, please! You are so fake!
  • Spreading rumours about me? Impressive, bitch! At least you’re spreading something other than your legs!
    • To note, use this one carefully as it almost always results in a full-scale bitch fight between both parties
  • Bitch, please! I can remove 90% of your “beauty” with a wet towel!
  • Maybe you should eat your make up so you can try and be pretty on the inside, bitch!
  • There’s always going to be that one bitch you want to punch in the face whenever you see said bitch!

With the above mastered, you can expect to complete your degree successfully.

Additionally, we highly recommend you read the illuminating work The Inner Bitch: Postulations on Slagging Off Fellow Females by the author Dame Bernadette Bitchness III.

After this, you’ll be perfectly placed to head into society and get jobs in nail bars, hairdressers, and beauty salons. Bitchiness is essential to excel in such environments.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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