Okay, we’re getting a bit sick and tired of our [Sponsored Posts] propaganda ruining our inventions. Take the Yarr! dating app for pirates. Like, totally raining on our parade, man. It makes a mockery of all we do.
As such, we at Professional Moron decided to invent something. What did we come up with? The Babe Magnet! This is a device for hapless male singletons to attract human females.
It’s a special type of large magnet they strap onto their back. And this smart magnet detects single women and catapults them in at speed. It’s speed dating done right!
Hey Guys! It’s the Babe Magnet
Previously, we invented the romance bazooka to shake up your romantic life. To complement that contraption, we now have the Babe Magnet.
This contraption is 5ft in height and 3ft in width.
It is a giant magnet. The hapless singleton straps the device to their back (straps sold separately) and then heads out into society to woo the dames. As you wander about, marvellous things will happen. Including:
- Dames will be catapulted towards the Babe Magnet at speeds of up to 50mph and become stuck to the contraption.
- Your self-confidence will sky rocket as you realise how popular you are with the aforementioned dames.
- Other men will become jealous of your popularity. Some may make nasty comments such as, “Christ! What the hell are you doing!?” Ignore them. They are just jealous.
- The police may stop you and threaten you with arrest. If possible, attempt to flee the scene. If that fails, feign insanity.
The singleton then heads home, alights from the Babe Magnet, and chooses from the available dames which one he wishes to date.
Please note, many of these dames will be pretty tetchy about the whole situation. Some may say rude words towards you.
Merely ignore them—that is just feminism.
Instead, persist in asking them for their number whilst making chauvinistic gestures, such as holding your apartment door open for them and asking them how many babies they want to have with you after you get married.
As you can see, the Babe Magnet will solve all of your dating woes!
And at only £1,000 ($2,000) during this non-issue cost of living crisis, you’re guaranteed to get the love of your life hurtling at you like a meteorite!
The Babe Magnet: Health Hazard Warning
Do note, a downside to wearing the contraption is DVD copies of the 1995 film Babe will fly at the Babe Magnet at speeds of up to 100mph.
That’ll not do, pig. As it is a health hazard.
Additionally, the magnet is powerful enough to catapult other potentially dangerous objects at you. Including, but not limited to:
- Metallic safes
- Pots and pans
- Certain types of gates
- Tins of baked beans
It’s advisable, at the very least, you wear a hard hat to ensure you’re not decapitated whilst out on the pull. Although we do recommend a full hazmat suit and shield, if possible, as those DVDs come in thick and fast.
But do note, dating in general is a health hazard. So, man up! If you can’t duck and dive around a few DVDs then you don’t deserve a woman, loser!
Other than angry dames, bemused police officers, and jealous human males, there are no other threats involved with this perfect invention.