Exclusive Invention: The Cement Bitcher (like a cement mixer, but bitchier)

A cement mixer in a construction yard
What a bitch.

If you’re looking to add a dungeon to your property this summer, you’ll need lots of mushy cement.

It becomes concrete, thusly forming the basis of your dungeon (please see Dungeon Keeper for more information about this strong underground prison cell).

To make the process more interesting and/or provocative, our gossip happy latest invention is here to bitch things up a bit. We hope you like that sass!

What is the cement bitcher?

It’s a type of cement mixer that says it how it is, girlfriend, even if you can’t handle the truth.

With its five programmes of bitchiness (explained further below) you can rage it out with the contraption, or let it do its thing whilst it mixes cement.

At only £2,000 ($2,500) it’s an absolute steal (please note – don’t steal this product).

Also, please into cemint for our other range of cement mixer-based lunacy. Sorry, we mean genius inventions.

What type of things does the cement bitcher say?

It generally gossips wildly about celebrities, politicians, friends, and family. It also has bitchy AI, so you can chat to it about your issues with acquaintances.

For example, “My mate’s wife, Freda, is a total bellend!” And the cement bitcher will pick up on this and quip lines such as, “So, I hear Freda is a total bellend!”

And the individual’s mates at the construction site will guffaw like fellow morons. All in the name of inane gossip;

But it doesn’t stop there! The separate modes for the contraption include:

  • Casual Bitch.
  • Slightly Bitchy.
  • Total Bitch.
  • Don’t Even Go There, Sister.

Each one raises the bar of bitchiness to new levels, ensuring your cement is imbued with longstanding resentment, bitterness, and ire.

Is it capable of decorum?

Decorating? Not really, no, it just sort of rants like crazy in a high-pitched robotic voice. On the plus side, it’s really good at mixing cement.

But no, it doesn’t do the decorating aspect. You’ll need to hire builders for that. Builders with hairy bum cleavage hanging out for you to enjoy.

This invention seems stupid and pointless and appears to represent your bitterness towards the world.

Yeah, whatever, go and whine like a wuss somewhere else.

We’ve got better things to do then sit here and put up with someone complaining because our cement bitcher isn’t quite what they’re looking for!

Check out our cushIron whilst you’re at it—another fantastic creation that’s sure to resonate with you.

Okay, should I get a cement bitcher for my girlfriend?

The cement bitcher is fantastic company for any human female. In the event of the unwanted company of a male, she can direct it at the individual and it’ll force him away.

Also, the contraption comes equipped with a shotgun. So just yank that off it and aim it at the geezer in question. Girl power!

Should I get the cement bitcher for my boyfriend?

Of course you should! It’s the hot product on the market and will also teach him about sass.

Which is an essential skill in today’s hyper-competitive, male-driven, insult-happy, world of flirting.

Just be aware the contraption isn’t friendly from 10pm to 6am. As it’s asleep, snoring, and if you wake it up it’ll bitch at you. You’ve been warned!

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