If you’re looking to shake up your workplace, then introducing brutal Medieval practices is a fantastic way to boost productivity levels.
You need an in-house executioner. With one in place, your business can enjoy a level of tyranny that’ll strike the fear of needing to participate in unpaid overtime into your staff.
Follow this employment law guide into understanding how to successfully introduce a decapitating maniac into your workforce to reap the rewards of your relentless business innovation.
The Employment Laws Regarding In-House Executioners
Workplace executions are managed by The Executioners at Work Act 1974 and The Beheadings at Work Act 1974. In section 12 (b) of the latter, on page 2,345, the Act states:
“Whilst technically murder under modern legal concepts, beheading an errant employee on a chopping block is a fine call-back to human society of yesteryear. With such fearful tactics in employ across your business, you can ensure there is no longer any:
d) Abuse of your anti-tuna at work policy.
Sudden and unexpected barbarity in the workplace is a proven tactic to limit ‘dossing around’ and can guarantee staff work themselves ragged.
In fact, it is proven that 98% of employees will work themselves to the point of total collapse in order to avoid facing the chopping block.”
Ruling with an iron fist has many merits. For example, should your employees threaten to quit due to your psychotic new policy… you can threaten to knock their blocks off!
Your Business’ Beheadings Policy
Your beheadings policy can be as draconian as necessary.
Ensure it’s stored in the company handbook for easy access for any employee, no matter how lowly their status (such as janitors), who can read about your stance. It’s good business practice to strike the fear of death into staff in the event of:
- Continued and unexplainable lateness.
- Punching a colleague in the face (in direct contravention of The Punching Colleagues in the Face Act 1974).
- Stealing food from the company fridge.
- Not flushing the toilet at work.
- Bickering and/or contributing to a toxic working environment.
- Belching at work.
Again, craft your policy as you see fit. This is beheadings we’re talking about here, so don’t waste time on vagaries.
Make it as clear as day otherwise you may face an employment tribunal (for unfairly knocking someone’s block off).
Hiring Your In-House Executioner
With your beheadings policy established, now’s the time to hire your axe-wielding maniac. These professionals are increasingly in demand, but do not command high wages.
Your job ad should list a wage of around two silver pennies (modern equivalent of two pence) per annum. As this is low-skilled work, but gruesome, the more lugubrious and dense the professional you hire the better. So long as they can slug a blade rightfully and true, this will be the individual for you.
Once you have executioners attending interviews, you’ll need to test their knowledge and swinging capacity. Ask them questions such as:
- “How many heads to you expect to have severed in five years time?”
- “Will executioners be replaced by the guillotine?”
- “Why do you to work at [business name here] beheading people?”
- “How come you’re leaving your present role of executioner with [business name]?”
- “What is your greatest strength?”
You can expect a response (of a professional executioner worth hiring) along the following lines:
“Well, I held my previous role for ten years at Dickhead Digital Ltd. and decapitated many a head from body during said time. And nine out of ten beheadings were completed with a clean and true strike, with only thirty five instances requiring repeated blows over, and over, and over to lop the thing off.
Ultimately, due to the number of workplace executions, the business had to close down as everyone was dead except the CEO and myself. Hence my application for the role of Senior Executioner with this business.
Over the next five years, I expect to define this role as mine own and splatter much blood and guts all over the place in the name of upholding this business’ mission statement.”
As a final test of the candidate’s experience, a mock execution should be held in a busy business area (such as the canteen) in front of terrified onlookers.
Do note, any candidate who voices any ethical concerns regarding their role should be rejected instantaneously. No wokies are needed for this role.
Threaten to execute them and send the blaggard packing back into society.
Your Executioner’s First Day and Later Career Prospects
Upon arrival to your workplace on his/her first day, the successful candidate will naturally be nervous about arriving and almost immediately needing to behead colleagues he/she may have met for the first time mere hours earlier.
To calm their nerves, you should give the individual a tour of the premises.
Also, provide him/her with a axe to use for blunt force trauma and severing heads from bodies. Under The Executioners at Work Act 1974 and The Beheadings at Work Act 1974 it’s a legal requirement for your business to provide the blade.
This can be an axe, sword, rusty butcher’s knife, or a chainsaw.
It’s good business practice to provide an axe, the executioner’s tool of choice, and make sure it’s sharpened once every quarter for ease of slicing and dicing.
You should also provide the executioner with a hood and cloak so as to protect their anonymity (even though you’ll be introducing your new hire to colleagues on the first day anyway, but it’s a helpful tradition).
Also ensure the executioner knows other key requirements, such as:
- How long the lunch break is.
- Where to dispose of the corpses (e.g. the bins out back).
- Where the toilets are.
- How long fag breaks can be for.
- The utility closet location for access to bleach, a mop, and buckets.
Finally, remind your executioner he/she is upholding the standards of your business during the working day and afterward. Therefore, they aren’t permitted to behead anyone else except on your business’ property and under your terms of employment.
Failure to comply with these rules will result in your executioner being executed by a third-party hire (i.e. a freelance executioner).