Agony Aunt: “My husband’s lifelong battle failing to boil rice”

Poorly boiled rice destroys marriages

Boiling rice is an important life skill. However, many human males struggle with perfecting the nature of rice in its final boiled form.

This is disastrous for any marriage (you may even want to skip ahead and order a NaggoTron robot now!). Estimates in the UK show there were 37,000 divorces in 2022 simply because of the husband’s inability to properly boil rice.

As such, we’re here today to help today’s human female battling with this dilemma (this includes pertinent rice boiling tips).

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Rice

Dear agony aunt. My husband is a BASTARD! An absolute POS SOB! Once again last night he RUINED dinner by failing to boil the rice properly. It either comes out in two ways when he cooks:

1 - Undercooked so it's like munching on pellets.
2 - Overcooked so it's basically a slush puppy.

Both are unsatisfactory. This has been going on years! 35 years we've been married! Only ONCE has he got the rice bang on and that was 27 years ago. Everything since? Rubbish! Absolutely garbage!

I've sent him off on preliminary cooking courses to get it sorted. I've had him up in court on crimes against boiling. I've informed the FBI. I've warned the national guard. I've had a private investigator to shadow his every move. This is what I've learned about my husband...

He's a fine man. A true upstanding individual who any woman would do themselves proud by marrying.

But... he can't boil rice for shit.

Well, in my world that's worthy of divorce. My mother's old adage was always, "Judge a man's character by how well he boils his rice!" And I will live, and die, by that adage she taught me 45 years ago! Traditions are essential in daily life, no matter how inane and senseless they may appear on appreciation when one gets older.

I'm messaging you this as a final statement of intent.

Men of the world—end bad rice boiling! Otherwise you'll suffer the same fate. That cosy warm home you share with your wife!? 

Gone!

Poof!!

Just like that! And why!? Because you're too INEPT to realise rice boils in around 10 minutes, you useless goddamn fools! Regards, Xena

Hi Xena. Lol you remember that show Xena Warrior Princess?! You’re like Xena Boiler Princess! Haha. Hah.

Anyway, yes, well you seem to take rice boiling very seriously.

That’s a fine and noble pursuit and we can understand why your mother believed rice to be the bedrock of any happy marriage.

But, really, is that essential in this day and age? Why not just get those packet rices you stick into the microwave for 90 seconds? Clear instructions any old geezer can understand! Why not give your husband one final chance?

Get him to cook up a meal with microwave rice.

There’s seriously a limit on what can go badly wrong with that. But if any of the following occur then, yeah, it’s grounds for divorce:

  • Burning the house down.
  • Triggering off WWIII.
  • Initiating an affair with a next door neighbour.
  • Serving charred rice for dinner, at a dinner party, with guests who politely say “That looks lovely, Xena!” when you can really see it in their eyes they’re thinking they hate you, they may well want you dead, and your status in society is doomed due to badly microwaved rice.

However, and think positively here, you may well have a grand old time of it as hubby delivers the perfect rice!

And if that’s so, flutter your eyelids at him and quip,  “The meal was mesme-ricing!” And you’ll live happily ever after forevermore (until he screws up the rice on another occasion and you decide to punch him in the face and head off into the sunset with the nearest Michelin starred chef e.g. Jamie Oliver).

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