Horrifying news! A species of highly agitated alien has been pestering Earthlings on an uncontrollable crisps rampage.
This has caused mass confusion as the aliens keep targeting the United States of America, where the foodstuff is called “potato chips”.
Professional Moron reports on this most recent aliens encounter, with first-hand accounts from citizens of Earth in contact with aliens eager to munch on crisps.
The Alien Abductees: Crisps (potato chips)
In the last 24 hours it’s emerged this species of alien, called Crispies, have been swarming across the USA to locate as many crisps as possible.
The aliens have been bursting into supermarkets, and other convenience stores, armed with space lasers. There they have been demanding humans hand over all the “crisps”, which has left baffled Americans to wonder what on Earth is going on.
Naturally, these foodstuffs didn’t please the Crispies and they became even more agitated. Some have been seen stealing vehicles and ram raiding back into the stores to demand crisps. One store owner, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“They, like, came into the store and, like, were, like, wanting ‘crisps’, like and I were like, ‘We don’t got no ‘crisps’ here, mister’ and they were, like, waving these lasers around and blew a hole in my roof and, like, I have to fork out for that and everything.
Anyway, they left with loads of potato chips after working out it’s, like, the same thing with, like, a different name. They kept, like, chirping in this, like, weird way and I was, like, that’s such, like, an, like, annoying, like, way of, like, communicating.”
In the last few hours it’s now emerged the aliens understand “potato chips” are the same thing as “crisps”.
This newfound knowledge led to an immediate rampage of stores across America, with an estimated 750 million tonnes of potato chips nabbed from stores and abducted back to the Crispies’ various ships.
It’s believed America is ready to begin all-out nuclear war with the extraterrestrials to ensure the US gets its produce back.
Type of Aliens
Fond of crisps (potato chips). Fond enough to travel across time and space to a planet with an abundance of them, although fail to do appropriate naming convention research before arriving.
Such analysis reveals these aliens to be ignorant and perhaps not as knowledgeable about crisps as they may well have initially desired (to be).
Alien Threat Level Rating
Probably hellbent on destroying humanity to slake their desire to eat crisps.
However, if we can buy off their imperial desires with a few sacks of potatoes (rather than nuclear war) this may be a beneficial tactic.
Alien Abduction Experience
Professional Moron spoke to many potatoes, baked and otherwise, about their opinions on this terrible invasion. However, they were notably mute and this is a worry tendency.
Do the potatoes not fear for their kind?! It is most perplexing.
We did speak to many humans who were apoplectic about the crisps/potato chips crisis. Primarily as it appears their favourite snacking pastime may well be disrupted (they didn’t seem to have any concern for the potatoes, or bags, involved in the abductions).
This leads us to the conclusion humans need to become more ethically minded when it comes to potato-based discussions. We recommend en masse sessions for humanity with Dr. Patrick’s Potato Psychology Service Ltd. so they may understand the spud plight.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Hmmm… whilst it’s tempting, and rational, to panic insanely at this juncture, our recommendation is to provide the aliens with crisps (and potato chips).
Once they’ve had their fill, the abductions should stop.
With society returned to normal, we should then panic produce more crisps to recover the lost stock. That may also include turning to crisps alternatives, such as houmous crisps and/or lentil crisps.
Desperate measures may also require some to eat an apple, or something, but we feel that may be a step too far.
We shouldn’t let these alien bastards force upon is a healthier sensibility. That’s wrong and indicative of a nanny state Universe out to make us prolong our being minus any lingering and nasty ailments.
And we don’t like being told what to do! So, crisps it is!